KC Man Up!

We have moved....

2011-12-13T16:45:00.003-06:00

We have greatly appreciated your support and interest. We are pleased to announce that we now have a new website to provide better content and hopefully a more creative space to promote opportunities for you to join us as a part of the solution to end sexual violence. Please find us at our new site at KCManUp.org.

Silence Is NOT Golden

2011-12-07T14:56:00.005-06:00

A lot has been written of the Penn State and Syracuse Child Sexual Abuse scandals and I know that several several sports fans around the country have been taken aback by these stories. Media, including ESPN, has done a pretty good job covering them, although some of the language of their reporting has been misleading. But one thing that continues to bother me is how quick we are to move on with our lives and, in doing so, miss an opportunity to prevent something like this from happening to those we care about in our communities. Or as Larry Cohen of Prevention Institute puts it, "we standby rather than stand up".

In many ways, this response is predictable and puts us all on par with the men and women that had a responsibility within these institutions to protect the children that were abused but didn't do enough about it. We are shocked and awed by these incidents and have a knee-jerk reaction to call the acts for what they were as depraved assaults on innocent children and youth. We talk about it. Judge those who did wrong. Pray for the kids and their families. But then we do nothing else. We go back to our lives as they were and move on... until the next scandal. Then we do it all again.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." We all can play a role as a part of the solution but we need to stop moving on and start dealing with these issues in our communities. The failure in each of these scandals (and in the Catholic Church scandal that has rocked Kansas City) is that, over and over, people know something is wrong but fail to do enough about it, then move on and become silent. My question to you is "What are you doing about it?" -- because these scandals aren't going away by them selves.

In case you are unsure how to help but you want to, let me provide some local and national resources. In Kansas City, MOCSA is a great resource providing prevention, intervention, treatment, and advocacy to the community and we are always in need of good volunteers to help us in a variety of ways. Check us out on the web at www.mocsa.org. RAINN is a national network that provides information, awareness, and on-line hotline. The National Coalition to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse & Exploitation provides a variety of information for parents and child-care workers as well as those interested in getting involved with a variety far-reaching proven models. Another site with a wealth of information and resources is The Center for Disease Control and Prevention. If none of these interest you, please don't hesitate to contact us by providing a comment as we would be happy to help you consider other options.

On the Media, Penn State and Most Importantly the Children

2011-11-15T16:00:00.000-06:00

As an advocate for child victims of sexual abuse and as a survivor of child sexual abuse myself, I am troubled by the lack of balance in recent media coverage of the child abuse scandal at Penn State. Too much coverage has focused on the disproportionate and ill-informed response of Penn State students, some of whom have taken to violent protest over what they see as the unfair firing of longtime coach Joe Paterno.

Missing in media accounts is a thoughtful exploration of actions taken by the Penn State board of trustees. While less provocative than the actions of some Penn State students, the board’s decision to fire all of the top officials involved in the scandal–including the legendary football coach—represents an appropriate and informed response to the facts of this case and the serious nature of what has been alleged.

It remains to be seen whether Coach Paterno or university president Graham Spanier violated the law by failing to comply with “mandated reporter” requirements (an allegation facing Bishop Finn of the Kansas City Catholic Diocese). What is clear is that the admitted failure to take swift and decisive action after learning of the abuse constitutes a moral and ethical failure that makes them unfit for continued service.

Childhood sexual abuse can have devastating and lifelong consequences. Penn State officials would do well to shift their focus now to addressing the needs of any possible victims of abuse and instituting reforms to prevent future abuse. And rather than facing punishment for breaking laws or codes of conduct, protesting students would be better served by education on the serious but gravely misunderstood issue of child sexual abuse.

As a volunteer for MOCSA (a Kansas City-based organization that treats survivors of sexual abuse and assault) and a professional grant maker in the social service arena, I am acutely aware of the critical importance of a prompt and therapeutically sound response to victims of sexual abuse. Failure on either account re-victimizes those who have fallen prey to sexual abuse and delays their difficult—yet highly possible—recovery from its effects.

Jim MacDonald

Masculinity Retrieval?

2011-10-26T15:07:00.005-05:00

In my last post I discussed the portrayal of men in the media, television in particular. The inspiration came from an article by NPR’s Linda Holmes that explored whether, even considering all the advancements our society has made in terms of social issues, television has begun to regress in terms of its portrayal of men. I must admit, it had me sold: while there are certainly some great programs out there that do a fine job at positively portraying the multiple roles modern men do and should take on (I’m thinking ABC’s Modern Family), there are about a million others that do nothing but promulgate a flawed, stereotypical, testosterone-fueled image of men (i.e. anything Spike TV has ever aired). Unfortunately, I write to you all bearing news of another TV show that can be added to the latter list: Last Man Standing, a new sitcom starring Tim Allen which promotes itself as one that is retrieving masculinity…whatever that means.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have never seen Last Man Standing. However, I have seen its advertisements and read Linda Holmes’s latest article reviewing the pilot. From what I can gather, it does in fact seem to mindlessly parade stereotypical notions of “real” masculinity with an unapologetic, boastful attitude that tramples anything that some sort of macho culture deems as an obstacle to their ideas regarding manhood. For example, Holmes points out that Tim Allen’s character proudly pulls his grandson from a daycare that seems to be promoting an open mind towards things like homosexuality and gay men and instead chooses to take him to the outdoors store he operates, which he loves because “it smells like balls.”

Holmes goes on to point out that unlike Allen’s first sitcom, Home Improvement, his character this time around has no loveable qualities nor does he have a “sensible-wife counterbalance that can take the ugly out of all (of it).” As Holmes puts it, there “ is a sense in the pilot that someone sat around a table and said, ‘We need to make a show for people who are really upset about the fact that sitcoms don't make as many jokes about women, gay men and people from other countries as they used to.’”

I can say that I am definitely going to check out Last Man Standing and I’m curious if any readers have seen the first episode. Is it as bad as Holmes claims? Furthermore, does this in fact prove my earlier hypothesis that television, and the media in general, is in fact regressing in terms of its attitudes towards masculinity?

Ryan Derry

Please (also) Join Us For...

2011-10-20T09:52:00.002-05:00

The Jana Mackey Distinguished Lecture Series:

Featuring Tony Porter as he speaks about "Real Men, Real Talk"

Monday October 24th 7:30pm at the Woodruff Auditorium, University of Kansas Student Union.

Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. For more from Tony Porter, watch the video below:

Please Join Us for...

2011-10-20T09:42:00.003-05:00

Region VII Town Hall Meeting October 26th 8:30am-11:30am

Empowering and Engaging Men In Reducing Violence Against Women

As a part of Vice President Biden's initiative to raise awareness on dating violence and sexual assault among women and girls, the Region VII (IA, KS, MO, NE) offices of the U.S. Departments of Health and Human Services, Housing and Urban Development, and Education invite you to participate in an event that will highlight local and regional efforts to engage men of all ages in preventing violence against women.

This event will bring together males, youth, government officials, domestic violence and sexual assault coalitions, community leaders, medical professionals and other public health leaders to participate in a conversation about how men and boys can become more proactive in stopping violence against women and girls. Participants will have the opportunity to hear about regional and local programs and efforts to work with men to address violence against women in their communities as well as network with others interested in this important issue.

Space is limited. RSVP by replying to Heartland@ed.gov

It’s Going to Take All of Us….

2011-10-12T14:39:00.004-05:00

Power is an amazing thing. It has the ability to change everything from the way we live to the way we think. It has the ability to create positive change. It also has the ability to destroy.

A couple of years ago, I saw a documentary that truly changed me. It started by enlightening me about the current status of HIV and the AIDS virus. I knew there was an increased infection rate among African-American women. According to researchers and medical experts, the increase was attributed to several factors – drug use, Black men on the “down low”, an increase in sex among teenagers, etc.

But the documentary, All of Us, decided to truly examine the subject by focusing on the realities of some unique women, including:

Dr. Mehret Mandefro, public health practitioner and medical anthropologist. The documentary was filmed as Dr. Mandefro was completing her residency at Montefiore Hospital, in the South Bronx. She took on the task of researching why there is an increase.
Tara, also HIV+ and battling a form of cervical cancer that has required very invasive surgery. She has also dealt with sexual/physical abuse and rape.

As Dr. Mandefro conducts her research, the film records her discovery of the connection between increased infection rates in women and issues such as poverty, education, and of course, sexual abuse and assault. But the biggest revelation occurs during a section of the film with Tara.

One afternoon, Dr. Mandefro separately speaks with Tara and her boyfriend. She asks them questions about specific areas of their lives and who makes the decisions in those areas. Tara is asked first and establishes, by her response to each of the questions, that she is in control. Except for one area – the bedroom. When, Dr. Mandefro asks her boyfriend the same questions, his responses are in total agreement with Tara’s.

In another scene in the film, Tara becomes anxious. She is a few weeks into the recovery process from another surgery – one that has physically altered her cervix and vagina. Despite her pain and discomfort, her boyfriend is pressuring to ask her gynecologist when she will be able to have sex. Once the Dr. sets a date, the boyfriend begins to countdown the days on a calendar, marking the days until he’s expecting to have sex with Tara.

As Dr. Mandefro begins to discuss this revelation with her peers, and even travels to her native Ethiopia, it becomes clear that men, quite often, seek or force control when it comes to sex. No matter the race, class, socio-economic status or culture, men sometimes hold the power.

The title of the film comes from Dr. Mandefro's realization that it was not just Black women who become powerless in the bedroom. It affects ALL women.

What I realized after watching the film is that if we, as men, have the power, we have misused and abused this power. Essentially, we sometimes take the power away from the women in our lives by using sex as a bargaining chip or a carrot…or even worse, a weapon. Sex should be a mutually agreed upon experience, a shared pleasurable experience.

One woman alone can’t decrease the rate of HIV infection and the spread of AIDS. One man alone can’t cause a paradigm shift in the way we men view sex and its power. It’s going to take all of us to do that.

Carlton Logan

The Media’s Portrayal of Men: Worse than that of Women?

2011-10-05T16:16:00.004-05:00

Often, as I prepare to write for this blog, I make what I call my usual “internet rounds” (a scan across the web of some of my favorite sites) in search of material to write about. Last week, I came across an editorial on NPR’s website in which Linda Holmes proposed a rather interesting proposition: that the media (television in particular) “is even worse at managing its ideas about masculinity than about femininity.” Such a sentiment seems ridiculous at first; the conventional wisdom of course being that women have been unrepresentatively characterized in the media and that television and other forms of entertainment have put forth a series of “ideal” yet impossible expectations of women in terms of appearance and even behavior. While I am not here to challenge such a notion (of course the media has unfairly represented women) it is interesting to wonder what sorts of expectations the media puts on men.

The NPR article goes on to describe a new CBS series entitled How to be a Gentleman. Apparently, the show is a sitcom that explores the definitions of masculine, rugged “real men” and their counterparts found in delicate, sensitive “gentlemen.” Holmes points out that the show’s “overt and unapologetic sexist stereotyping, in which only certain kinds of men are ‘real men,’” suggests that the show promulgates the notion that there is a very specific set of criteria that determines what masculinity is and that, through countless manifestations of such a sentiment in the media, television has become even worse at presenting a fair and varying portrayal of men than it has of women.

Furthermore, I am reminded of ESPN Magazine as they are set to release their latest “Body Issue” soon. For those not familiar with the sports magazine, the “Body Issue” is an edition that features nude and semi-nude photographs of professional athletes. To be fair, while the photos can be a bit racy, they are shot artistically and do feature both men and women. The “Body Issue” has been criticized for its contents not just because of their risqué qualities, but because they prominently feature what many consider impossible body types. The men featured in the magazine especially strike a chord with me, as their chiseled bodies represent an ideal that many of my male, college-aged peers strive for yet will most likely never realize. To be honest, I am torn on this issue. ESPN’s “Body Issue” does represent images of men that are typically considered to be at the peak of health and fitness; and what’s so bad about ensuring a healthy body? The problem, however, is the fact many young men are encouraged into unhealthy habits - such as steroid usage- in pursuit of such physiques.

As always, readers, I am curious to hear your thoughts on the portrayal of men in the media? Has it really reached a point that, as Linda Holmes believes, is worse than its portrayal of women? Moreover, what do you make of shows like How to Be a Gentleman and publications such as the “Body Issue”?

Ryan Derry

No one should go through this alone!

2011-09-28T10:42:00.007-05:00

It’s 7:30 a.m., and Taylor is in a strange town, laying on a hospital exam table, totally exposed and vulnerable, with a medical professional conducting a very invasive examination, and a policeman waiting outside the room wanting to ask some questions about an “alleged” sexual assault…Taylor is feeling scared, embarrassed, ashamed and hoping that family and friends will never find out. How did Taylor end up here?

Taylor came to Kansas City on business, staying overnight at a downtown hotel. After a day of meetings, Tayor decided to accept an invitation to join some colleagues for drinks at a bar in a popular, local entertainment district. These are co-workers that Taylor just met that day; and after a long day of meetings, having a drink or two and unwinding seemed like a good idea. After only a couple of drinks, Taylor started feeling light-headed, and the colleagues showed genuine concern and offered to help Taylor back to the hotel room, which was greatly appreciated. When they reached the hotel, Taylor blacked out. Upon awakening at 5:30 a.m., alone and naked in the hotel room (which was trashed with some personal items missing), Taylor’s body is aching and the friendly colleagues are nowhere to be found. Taylor is married, has never experienced anything like this before, and is scheduled to fly home the next day. While tempted to let it go and save the embarrassment of uncomfortable questions and possible disclosures to family, friends and employer, Taylor knows the best chance of seeing justice served for the suspected crime committed is to be examined immediately by a medical professional and by filing a police report. Dazed and confused, Taylor drives to the nearest hospital, where police are notified. Within the space of half an hour, Taylor is on the hospital table being examined, with the police waiting outside.

Did I mention that Taylor (not the victim’s real name) is a guy? Everything described above actually happened, except Taylor didn’t know what resources were available to him in Kansas City, and he didn’t want anyone to find out, so he didn’t seek a medical exam or file a police report that night; no, instead, Taylor caught his flight home the next day, vowing never to discuss it with anyone. Weeks went by and Taylor was haunted by what had happened to him and felt violated and wronged – he called a local agency in his hometown for help. They, in turn, called MOCSA here in Kansas City to provide Taylor with advocacy services and morale support when he returned to file a police report.

Had Taylor gone to the hospital or notified the police, chances are very good that MOCSA would have been notified immediately and a volunteer Hospital Advocate would have been dispatched to the hospital to meet with Taylor, to figuratively (and literally) “hold his hand” throughout the process - from the medical exam, interview with the police officer and filing the police report, should that be Taylor’s decision.

In the past, the MOCSA Hospital Advocate would have been a woman, and don’t get me wrong – any friendly face at a time like this is welcome; however, MOCSA has recently decided to allow men to act as Hospital Advocates for other male victims. There have been instances where male victims have expressed some hesitation to share the details of their sexual assault with a female advocate, out of concern for the advocate’s discomfort and their own embarrassment. Hopefully, by providing male advocates to victims, it will encourage these men who have been assaulted to get the help they need following such a horrible event. To simply “be there” for the Taylor’s in this world, during one of the scariest, most embarrassing and uncomfortable experiences of their life is a good and noble endeavor. In order to act as a MOCSA Hospital Advocate, you must complete the in-depth, 40 hours of volunteer training and become accepted, but what a small price to pay since I think we can all agree…

NO ONE should go through this alone!

by Mike Eggleston

Funny or Sexual Harassment?

2011-09-21T15:10:00.003-05:00

Conan gets caught staring at his guest's chest in this clip below. He makes a joke of it and plays it off but I'm left wondering if Nicole Scherzinger felt respected by Conan's behavior. What do you think?

Looking For A Few Good Men...

2011-09-13T16:30:00.014-05:00

About a year ago, Tyler Perry appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show with 200 men that shared devastating stories of being molested and sexually abused by family, friends, and trusted adults. According to national studies, 14% of reported rapes involve men and boys as victims and 1 in 6 reported sexual assaults are against males. Unfortunately, studies also report that less than 2% of male victims ever seek services. This show opened a door to a conversation many are fearful to process or admit: that men can be victims. There are many false beliefs out there that male victims are gay or tend to be weaker or inferior. The truth is that sexual violence, whether the victims be male or female, is motivated by the desire to dominate and use sex as a weapon against the victim. Moreover, the majority of perpetrators are heterosexual men.

Certainly, it was challenging for the viewing audience to see Mr. Perry and those 200 men speak out about how other men took advantage of them. We are often socialized to believe men are strong, invulnerable, and in control of their bodies, which creates a culture that narrowly defines manhood and excludes men as victims. This is the reason so few male victims seek services or much less share what has happened to them, even with those they trust. Still, male victims experience feelings of guilt, powerlessness, shock, anger/rage, flashbacks, humiliation, concerns about sexuality, and finding sufficient resources or support.

At MOCSA over this past year, we have seen a steady increase in male victims showing up at hospitals, seeking support on our crisis line, and requesting counseling services. Maybe it's related to Oprah's show and maybe not. Regardless, we want to make sure these victims/survivors are provided the same opportunity for support as we have been able to provide for women over the years. We are in great need of a few good men to volunteer and be trained as male advocates to meet this growing demand. MOCSA's next volunteer training starts October 17th and provides over 40 hours to prepare volunteers for supporting victims in crisis and hospital situations. If you are interested, please contact Beth Schild at 816-285-1373 or follow this link to apply online to volunteer for MOCSA. As our motto goes, "Someone you know needs MOCSA, and MOCSA needs you."

Glory Days?

2011-09-13T15:10:00.008-05:00

“Hey, you’re _____. Good to see you! So what are you up to these days?” That was the question that got asked a lot at my last high school reunion. No wonder – 25 years have passed since we were all 18, and a lot has changed in our individual and collective lives: gains and losses, triumph and tragedy. But would there be enough commonality to connect us? I was curious about how these people – who came to the reunion voluntarily as opposed to a forced-fun situation -- would interact: would cliques be intact? Would the former debaters huddle and talk politics? Would the jocks boast about the glory days? Would the “nerds” be CEOs? Could the cheerleaders have sustained peppy personalities for a quarter of a century?

Moving from conversation to conversation, I noticed a gender-relevant trend: almost without exception, the women tended to relate via their life stage situation: “I’m a single mom now, and I’m helping take care of my aging parents.” Whereas guys seemed to define themselves by their job or major life changes: “I gave up music once I finished my engineering degree”; “Now, I’m ready to settle down with the right girl…not easy, ‘cause I’m a single dad”; “I’m still in the military, but now I teach strategic leadership courses”; or “I’m still in the insurance business, and I coach my kid’s soccer team. They’re 4-1”.

Unlike our 5-year reunion, where everyone was riding the wave of being out of college (or at a solid job), or our 10-year reunion (where people felt compelled to justify their progress or barriers), the 25-year reunion had a certain calm about it. Could it be that we, the rowdy Class of 1986 had actually settled down? Yes. Even the former rebels, punks and self-proclaimed ‘freaks” were pretty easygoing. A unifying commonality was the willingness of people to open up to catch up. The women were in their natural element of emotional connecting; the men had retired their braggadocio and were comfortable enough in their own skins to relate as current contemporaries, not shells of former selves.

But what really took me by surprise was how many people had used Facebook as a portal for connecting personally: They offered condolences on my mother’s death; they asked if I was dating anyone, and asked me how the house remodeling was coming. The overall feelings was one of relief – that we somehow made it 25 years and were brave, able and willing enough to come back home – and reconnect as alums, regardless of where we are on life’s path individually, as a bunch of dudes, or as just people. Life as we knew it is no longer; the Blue Ridge Mall and Bannister Mall that defined our social lives have been torn down. Male or female, “popular” or not, we were all there, together, if but only for brief chats. “Remember when we…?” was often followed by a “Yeah, I think…”

So where do you stand: firmly in the present, longing for the past, or focused on your future? If you knew then what you know now, would you have lived your “glory days” differently?

by Derek McCracken

Mentoring Starts at Home

2011-09-06T16:28:00.006-05:00

In my opinion, by talking with and listening to our young men, we can make a difference in how they view what is true and healthy manhood. To add to this, you as their mentor, have to be what you preach. It is not just about saying the right thing but doing the right thing by example as well. As part of that teaching and communicating you must be brave enough to ask the young man some straight forward questions and listen carefully to his answers. Sometimes young men’s replies may be shocking but it provides room for teachable moments

Let me give you an example. My step-grandson was visited my wife and I one weekend. He began telling us some of the things he had learned from his friends about relationships. At some point he stated that he was not worried about getting a girl pregnant. My eyebrows went up into my worry lines as his grandmother asked him to explain, we braced ourselves for the response. As we listened we became increasingly concerned that our grandson had picked up some misinformation from his buddies and potentially was embracing harmful attitudes towards young women in his life. We explained that in the real world such behavior was not only disrespectful but it would be considered abuse towards the girl to do such a thing. This of course led into an entire discussion of respecting women and not using them as sexual objects. We talked about his friends’ exaggerating or even lying about having sex. A week later we were very pleased when we heard he had confronted one of his buddies about an exaggerated sexual encounter.

In the many discussions we have had with our grandson we have never yelled or acted condescending in correcting his misconceptions about relationships and intimacy with possible partners. We want him to be able to talk with us about anything going on in his life without fear of a scolding or scoffing. Our goal was to make him comfortable asking tough questions no matter how sensitive a question was or for what to do in a pressure situation. I have shared with him some of my own missteps and mistakes in how I treated partners as I grew up. Especially those I made during the teen age years when I had no one to talk with about these things.

Teens are not stupid even when they sometimes lack wisdom. They need straight, honest talk from their mentors. They need to be able to respect you as a mentor because you are who you say you are and you act accordingly. The more men that “man up” and help young boys get through these difficult developmental years with the right mindsets about what is to be a man the less abuse there may be in our children’s future.

By Terence E Ross

MASCULINITY – TOP 5 THINGS NOT TO DO!

2011-08-30T13:21:00.010-05:00

Much has been written on this blog site about masculinity, and I thought it high time to share from my half century of being a man, some simple, everyday things NOT to do, if you want to protect your very precious masculinity:

1) Don’t express feelings or emotions – You’ll be accused of being “too sensitive”, and as you’ll see, that’s almost a fate worse than death in America, at the beginning of the 21^st century.

In the recent movie, “Horrible Bosses”, there is a scene between the three male “buddies”: two are talking about who is going to be raped first in prison, each indicating that due to their good looks, they think they’ll be first; however, when they turn to the third and ask him his opinion, he responds that it isn’t about their looks, but instead it will be the guy who is “more vulnerable and sensitive”.

Wow, so imagine how crazy mad I got the other day when a good friend of mine (also a guy) told me I was being “overly sensitive” because I thought he seemed like he was in a bad mood, based on some recent behaviors (not responding to e-mails, not returning calls, and basically, just not communicating at all). I’ll admit it, I’ve been accused of being too sensitive all of my life, and it has become a hot button for me…now with this movie, I guess I’d better drive my sensitivity down even further – heck, maybe just bury it completely with a veneer of macho “I don’t care” and “what’s it to you”!

2) Don't buy greeting cards – If you’re like me, I still like the personal touch of a hand-written note or card. I just don’t get a warm and fuzzy from an e-mail or e-card, I think in large part because I have to wade through so much junk e-mail to find it in the first place. So, because I enjoy receiving hand-written correspondence, I feel compelled to purchase cards and to send them myself. I wish I could walk in to the card shop, grab the first one that’s close and buy it. But no, I have to read every card in the section to make sure I have found just exactly the right one for the person and the occasion. While card companies have made great strides in the past decade in offering more male-friendly greeting cards, there are still certain areas where improvement is needed. I mean it’s fairly easy to find a “manly” birthday card for a dude, but good luck finding a sympathy or thank you card from a man’s perspective. Watch out, if you buy for content, you might just end up with one that’s pink with glitter because it says the right thing and you don’t have any more time (or desire) to look at another card. If you need more explanation as to why that’s so terrible, re-read #1 above.

3) Don’t expect relationship reciprocity with other guys – I mean it’s just too much to expect a guy to be the one to pick up the phone or to initiate the next get together. I realize this may sound a little harsh, but seriously, while I’ve found a few guys in my 50+ years who are the exception to this rule, most don’t pay any attention and are sort of clueless about it being their turn to plan the lunch, the after-work beer or whatever. I’ve learned it’s just easier and less hassle to be the one who calls and suggests whatever it is, whenever I think of it – I certainly don’t complain about it, because to do so, would bring me under the auspices of rule #1.

4) Don’t speak about women in a positive way when a woman isn’t around – I suspect most guys have heard the usual locker-room banter, but I recently overheard 2 guys I don’t know talking at the gym. One asked the other if he had a son, to which the first replied, “No, sorry to say, I don’t have a son, only a daughter!”…Wow, that had to secure his masculine role model status with his buddy. I was startled and actually pretty mad about the carelessness of this remark, and felt instantly sorry for this guy’s daughter; however, I didn’t say anything. While I’ve seen them frequently, I didn’t know the guys – and frankly, now, I don’t want to; and besides, who wants to be accused of violating rule #1.

5) No matter what, don’t ever, ever let them catch you crying – It’s rare, granted, but there are those moments where it just seems so darned appropriate (like in moments of intense anger or frustration, or driving by your almost-adult kids’ grade school, or at an especially sentimental scene in a movie or play). My kids (18 & 21) will tell you, it’s not hard to catch their Dad tearing up, but I sure try to shove it down when I’m around others – especially guys. I mean, after all, above all else, remember rule #1!

By Mike Eggleston

Wild Child: Confession of a Reformed “Plaza Thug”

2011-08-24T10:44:00.006-05:00

(Blogger’s note: the names in this post have been changed to protect the identities of my accomplices, particularly so their children don’t give them guff.)

Reading about the recent swift action to enact a curfew for tweens and teens on the Country Club Plaza made me have a flashback, to a time in my teens when I had a minor brush-up with Plaza Security. Due to “The Incident”, I missed my own parent-enacted curfew and felt compelled to explain my tardiness with a 1985 Oscar-worthy performance of “Why I Was Wronged by the Law.” The drama unfolded something like this:

(Ward and June were watching TV when I came in.)

“I know I’m late, but let me explain. We were hanging out at the Plaza just looking at music and I accidentally knocked over a display of cassettes and when I bent down to get them, I got knocked over, and the cop grabbed me by the shoulder and made me come with him to security to make sure I didn’t steal anything! Can you believe it?”

My father looked up from his news program. “Were you buying anything?”

“No, just looking.”

“Were you shopping?” my mother asked.

“No, just hanging out.”

“With whom?”

“Moe, Larry, Curly and Shemp.”

“Did you steal anything?”

“NO! You don’t understand—we…”

He and my mother exchanged the dreaded ‘has our youngest child learned nothing from his 7 older siblings?’ look.

“I understand that you boys had no business loitering there.”

Loitering? What kind of thug did they think I was? Why were they not taking my side? But the parental academy had rendered their decision: case dismissed.

As a current daughter-protective dad and former bored teenager, I understand much better that tweens and teens are a frustratingly mixed-up bunch. Over dinner, I asked my high-school-freshman daughter what she thought of the curfew. “They’ll just do what they were doing on the Plaza someplace else, earlier.” She went on to say that if the pack of kids was all boys or mostly boys, maybe they felt like they had to be together to be safe. Thinking back to my own impetuous youth, I had to admit that we came to the Plaza to escape Raytown, even for a night. We didn’t have much money, but we had ample time, a Camaro with a half-tank of gas, and each other…to egg on each other. We weren’t thinking of causing trouble; we were not thinking, period.

So to the merchants of the Plaza who have endured years of knucklehead teen behavior, I am sorry. To the kids who feel like they can get away with anything if there are enough of them, you are wrong. And to the parents who assume their kids are doing what you assume they are doing, you may just be right… but probably not.

By Derek McCracken

Race Matters: Engaging All Men to End Violence against Women

2011-08-24T10:25:00.006-05:00

In his book The Macho Paradox, violence prevention educator Jackson Katz states, “True and lasting change will require – at a minimum – a critical and multicultural mass of men emerging to partner with women in confronting men’s violence on both a personal and institutional level.”

What will it take to build a critical and multicultural mass of men who will partner with women to confront men’s violence? I believe there are many answers to this question including a very important one: Race Matters. For us to ever experience this reality, we must be willing to acknowledge and confront the racism that has permeated our history and particularly the characterization of sexual violence.

Since the beginning of the enslavement of Africans in America through Jim Crow segregation, African American men were painted as sexually aggressive predators that posed a serious threat to White women. This led to countless acts of terrorism by White America to murder African American men for the slightest suspicion, rumor, or for no reason at all. While lynch mobs were forming to conduct these acts of terrorism, White men were frequently known for pressuring African American women, who many times worked in domestic services with their families, into unwanted sex. There is no record of a White man during this historical period ever being prosecuted or lynched for these rapes.

While lynching no longer takes place in its historical form, the racist narrative that informed those terrorist acts is still subtly perpetuated in many facets of our dominant culture. Now it is not just relegated to African American men, but also includes other men of color and men with lower socioeconomic status. This must be challenged by stating the facts that sexual aggressive behavior is perpetrated by men of all races, classes, cultures, religions, and beyond. If a man is to become a good ally with women, it must be based on his willingness to challenge sexually aggressive attitudes and behaviors in himself and other men.

For all men to see the importance of partnering with women to end men’s violence, all women’s voices and experiences must be given equal respect and prominence. While the Women’s Movement throughout history has included all races and classes, the white middle-class narrative typically dominates. If we are asking men to realize that they need to be involved because someone they know and love (their sisters, mothers, daughters, lovers, etc) could be at risk, then all women need to be represented. Diverse representations of women must not be relegated to the stories shared, but must be realized at every level of the efforts to end violence against women, including those women providing the leadership in which men are engaged.

If the leadership of efforts to end violence against women reflects the diversity of men in our communities, then culturally inclusive strategies will be incorporated in time. This in turn can begin to build the “critical and multicultural mass of men” partnering with women in ending men’s violence against women.

By John Tramel

Dads & Daughters

2011-08-18T08:55:00.007-05:00

“Hey, are you ready to do our training?” I hollered to my daughter. For 5 years we had been developing a self-protection system for teen-aged girls and their dads. More than just a way for girls to protect themselves from threats, it is a way to connect dads and daughters in this typically awkward time. “Almost!” she hollered back in our usual exchange.

Traditional roles between dads and daughters seem tough these days. Cultural norms create distance and opposition between dads and daughters creating fear for and in our daughters. We don’t’ generally give our daughters the physical contact or the space they need that help them develop healthy relationships with boys. We know we need to send them out into the world, but fear they might get hurt.

My relationship with my daughter began when she was 3 months old in a town just north of Hanoi, Viet Nam. The adoption took about a year and the strong bond between us took about an instant. I stayed home and took care of her for the first two years of her life because it was what she needed. I stepped outside of the traditional male role for her. That’s pretty much how our relationship continued for the next 13 years. Certainly I am her protector, but more, I am her teacher so that she can protect herself. The result? I am excited for her to start dating and she remains connected to me.

From one father to another, I strongly encourage you to not be afraid to step out of traditional roles. Be the type of man that you would want your daughter to date; calm and loving as opposed to violent or controlling. Watch your language about women and girls, and demand that society treat your daughter with respect.

“So, what do you want to practice today?” I asked carefully waiting for the usual "I don’t care” or “Whatever dad”. Instead she said, “Can we go over the escape from the bear hug? That one is fun to practice.” For years I have been waiting for her to have fun with this training; to really connect with me and my passion for this training. “Sure. Remember, first to stay calm and breathe, and wait for the right moment to respond…”

Jim Doyle – Founder, Self-Protection.org

What Does It Mean To Be "A Man Of Strength"?

2011-08-10T15:15:00.005-05:00

In the spring of 2010, MOCSA's Man Up! Program piloted Strength Clubs in the Kansas City area. Strength Clubs are modeled after Men Can Stop Rape's MOST Clubs and is a program that engages young men in preventing violence against women. The video below displays lessons learned this past year from local Strength Club members about what it means to be a man today, including what it means to be "a man of strength".

As you can see (or hear), one of the many lessons they learned was how to think on their feet and respond to introspective questions with distractions in the background. We won't put you on the spot like these guys, but we are interested to know what you think it means to be "a man of strength" in today's culture?

Feminism: What is its Role Today?

2011-08-03T09:23:00.004-05:00

I once had an English professor who made his thoughts on feminism abundantly clear: “if you’re not a feminist, you’re an idiot,” or something to that effect was to be expected from him on an almost daily basis. Clearly, he was an outspoken yet entertaining professor. While he had a habit of ruffling more than a few feathers in class, he was usually right; his views were not only well articulated but also well supported. It is thanks to this professor that I became confident in identifying myself as a feminist. For me, the word “feminist” has evolved and transformed from the days of bra-burnings into a label for a movement that has perennial relevance. However, some of my peers (male and female alike) are uncomfortable in calling themselves feminists because of some of the radical connotations it may or may not have. I am interested in what the “f-word” means to the readers of this blog as well as the experiences that have led them to their perspectives.

As made clear in Jessica Valenti’s recent Washington Post article entitled “Slut Walks and the Future of Feminism,” the term “feminist” allows for a wide spectrum of meanings. While there is most certainly a place for relatively reserved feminists, recent years have seen a revival of the more extreme demonstration tactics reminiscent of the bra-burnings of the 1960’s. “Slut Walks” are an example of such demonstrations. As Valenti explains, the protests have been some of the most successful “feminist actions of the past 20 years” and “began after a police officer told students at Toronto’s York University in January that if women want to avoid rape, they shouldn’t dress like “sluts.’’ Participants have made efforts in over 75 cities (including Kansas City) to take back the term “slut” and to combat the notion that victims of rape and sexual assault are more often than not “asking for it” by dressing in a suggestive manner.

While I fully support the objectives of “slut walks” and similar demonstrations, I cannot help but think that these sorts of somewhat radical protest tactics have isolated some of the mainstream from identifying as feminists. I think that many males and females are weary of being labeled a feminist because they do not want to be perceived as some sort of outlier or fringe member of society. To me, feminism is a movement that has been fundamental to the advancement of not only women’s rights but also civil rights as a whole. It is important that modern day feminists embrace not only the activists in the streets (i.e. the participants of the “slut walks” across the country) but also individuals who truly believe in the ideals of the feminist movement whether they realize it or not.

So I ask, readers, what does feminism mean to you? Where does it fit in society today? What is the future of it? What relevance does it still have? I would argue that its relevance is enormous and that if we are going to continue to advance in terms of civil rights then we must maintain a population of feminists motivated enough to organize and participate in “slut walks” as well as those feminists inspired to make more low-profile impressions on those they are closest to.

By Ryan Derry

How Many Politicians Does It Take to Prevent a Sexual Indiscretion?

2011-07-27T16:28:00.005-05:00

Thanks to Patrick for letting us cross-post this on our Blog. Please check out more of his work at http://mencanstoprape.blogspot.com

By Patrick McGann
Director of Strategy & Planning

I finished writing Part 5 of “How I Came to Work at Men Can Stop Rape” yesterday (the part where I actually finally end up at MCSR) but then this morning read the Washington Post and learned that Rep. David Wu (D-OR) is accused of having “aggressive and unwanted” sex with a teenage daughter of a friend. My reaction, said out loud at the kitchen table: “What is wrong with these guys?” It wasn’t directed at Abby, my wife, as much as it was an expression of exasperation. So, I’m delaying posting Part 5 for addressing political scandal.

Part of me still expects, I suppose, high standards of behavior from our public representatives. Idealistically, I assume they understand their need to uphold and represent our democratic principles, and that “sexual indiscretions” (media language) are not in line with those principles. In a more practical sense, surely they have already seen enough politicians fall from grace so that they are aware of the potential consequences to their own careers? When I went to Texas Tech we told Texas A & M jokes about how many Aggies it takes to screw in a light bulb. Although I can’t quite wrap my head around it right now, I’m thinking there’s a similar joke about how many politicians it takes to stop a sexual indiscretion.

Of course I know why these male politicians keep acting in inappropriate ways. Isn’t traditional masculinity the root cause for so many things we men do? And doesn’t it need a light shined on it in the hallways of our government buildings? It has been invisible for too long in our Capitol, I say! Not only do politicians suffer the consequences when one of their own creates a “Guys Gone Stupid” video, we as citizens lose any sense that the people in charge of our country are credible, responsible, and respectable adults.

Our politicians need help! They can’t prevent these indiscretions on their own or they would have already done so. I challenge them to bring in the masculinity and gender-based violence prevention experts.

Politicians, I beg you: ask not what masculinity can do for you, but what you can do to change masculinity.

* * *
Patrick McGann, Ph.D. has been involved with Men Can Stop Rape (MCSR) since the organization’s inception in 1997. As Director of Strategy and Planning, Patrick co-authored a sexual assault prevention strategy for the U.S. Department of Defense (DoD) in 2008 and oversaw the development of the HURTS ONE. AFFECTS ALL. public education campaign for DoD in 2010. He regularly gives presentations across the country on engaging men in the prevention of gender-based violence.

2011-07-20T14:21:00.005-05:00

Speaking Up Part 2: In the Workplace

My last post (“Speaking Up: When, Where, Why?”) called attention to the issue of males calling out hostile males when surrounded only by other men. I mentioned a recent lunch I was having with a friend who had a few choice words regarding a female friend of mine when I decided to speak up. While I do feel confident in my actions regarding the incident with my friend, I realize that it was a conversation among friends and in private. However, I have recently been a part of several situations in which I have seen male-perpetrated harassment of women taking place in an entirely different setting: at work and among people I do not know very well.

My summer job involves a great deal of interaction with new students at the university I attend. My fellow undergraduate colleagues and I often find ourselves in situations in which we are working 1 on 1 with students. Recently, I and a few other members of my staff have noticed some elements of the behavior of James (not his real name) that we do not feel entirely comfortable with. James has a habit of working with three or four of the female students each day in a much greater capacity than with any other incoming student. Often, his behavior crosses the line: sharing seats with women that did not invite him to do so, giving certain female students massages (again, without being asked to do so), and persistently asking for numbers (and not resting until he gets at least what could be the phone number of whoever he is asking).

Personally, James’ behavior infuriates me. I have brought it up a few times with my peers and most have similar feelings. However, we never do anything about it. Admitting that I have done nothing to stop behavior that is clearly demeaning, inappropriate, and offensive makes me feel horrible. Only now do I realize how silly it is to let James’ actions persist. The students we work with daily are already in a stressful position: the start of their college careers. The last thing they need is an aggressor like James stressing them out even more. I would greatly appreciate knowing what you all would do if in a similar position. Is it best to confront James? To inform his supervisor? What have been your experiences with workplace aggression?

Ryan Derry

2011-07-13T14:21:00.007-05:00

Flat Tires, Rape, and Why You Should Care

Recently, I was loading up the car for summer family vacation, and as I was checking my tires in preparation to hit the road, it reminded me of some unfortunate comments from a couple of months ago.

This is not going to be a blog post about partisan politics, religion or abortion - honest! No, it's a blog about the antiquated and harmful attitudes and insensitivities expressed recently by a member of the Kansas House of Representatives that perpetuate the idea that victims of sexual abuse are somehow responsible or to blame for what happens to them.

Last May, during a Kansas House discussion of a bill that will ban insurance companies from covering abortion insurance under general healthcare plans, Kansas State Representative Pete DeGraaf from Mulvane basically said women needed to "plan ahead" for being raped and possibly impregnated against their will; that being raped is like getting a flat tire. I remember thinking after hearing his comments, "Did he really just say that?!" You can read this report, in its entirety, from the Associated Press article posted on May 13, 2011.

Mr. DeGraaf, you are off base with these remarks and have demonstrated a complete lack of sensitivity to the violation and loss of dignity experienced by a victim of sexual assault. This point was well illustrated in the attached Venn Diagram showing some of the notable differences between having a flat tire and being raped: in one instance, you call AAA and have them replace the flat tire with your spare tire, and you are quickly on your way; however, in the other situation, you may have to face contracting HIV/STDs, an on-going and often overwhelming sense of shame and of violation, and/or unwanted pregnancy. I am not of the opinion that the two events have anything in common, and I am not willing to accept that rape is an eventuality of being a woman in today's society or that anyone should ever have to plan ahead to be raped.

I respectfully suggest that Mr. DeGraaf issue an apology to all the women and men of Kansas (and thanks to the internet, the rest of the Country), for his insensitive remarks. While these comments were prominent in the media a few months ago, they are no less relevant today and we need to continue to address the insensitivity behind them. There are several petition efforts currently underway (even one on Facebook), as well as a "send a tire" campaign, and of course, feel free to drop him a line at his office. Check out your options and act appropriately!

By Mike Eggleston

An Interesting (but not so fun) Thought Experiment

2011-07-06T09:05:00.007-05:00

Can you imagine the first paragraph of this news article reporting this instead?:

“Paula Nelson was at a Kansas City park with relatives Wednesday night when three young women walked over a grassy hill and opened fire without saying a word.”

While it is certainly in the realm of possibility that three young women would savagely murder another female in pubic, it is not the norm. And it comes as no surprise that we find young men committing acts of horrific violence. While I’m not advocating an increase in female violence (I’m guessing that is not what people mean when they speak of gender equality), I was taken aback by how shocked I was when I switched the sex of those involved in the story.

What does it say about men that violence is so normal, acceptable, and even encouraged among us? What are we doing do change this overwhelming problem? What are you doing about violence dominating masculinity?

Try switching the sexes in this story.

Men’s Body Wash: Liquid Masculinity in the Shower…or is it?

2011-06-28T10:07:00.010-05:00

I remember when men’s body washes did not even exist. Men used to use bar soap (because they were “manly” men, and they did not want to smell “girly”).

Now, there are entire ad campaigns for men’s body washes that seek to make it socially acceptable and even desirable for men to use these products.

In another Dove commercial, they discuss “man-hide” and the toughness of men's skin in relation to cow hide or leather. What is interesting is Dove’s argument that its product is actually made to soften the man-hide. Does this mean that American culture has actually shifted so as to allow men to have moisturized, soft skin like their female counterparts? Perhaps, as long as there is there is first an allusion to the toughness of such hide… Are gender roles shifting gradually, or are they equally present but masked by effective marketing? Hmmm…

Old Spice, on the other hand, tells men to “be comfortable in your own skin”. Its commercials allude to one man’s “muscle body” and his “striking brown eyes” while a man in another ad encourages men to use Old Spice instead of lady-scented body washes. The marketing this company employs appears to also appeal to women to a certain degree. In placing attractive male models in their commercials, these companies are not only trying to appeal to men who use the products but to women who will (in the minds of the marketers) shop for the products and smell the products their partners use when they bathe. Are these men’s or women’s products?? Again, does it matter? It’s just soap…

I still remember the original Old Spice that my grandfather wore when I was younger, and I will never forget that smell…. I knew that I probably did not want to smell like that when I grew up, but he, my other grandfather, and my father encouraged my interest in body care and cologne. This connection we make with the male figures in our lives can result in our long-term commitment (or lack thereof) to body care and maintenance of our appearance and bodies.

It is fascinating that as we get older we often keep similar if not better hygiene routines that we learned from such figures in our lives. The focus on hygiene, however, becomes less of a connection with male figures in our lives but how appealing or masculine men are when they use such products.

What do you consider when you purchase masculine hygiene products (aka “soap”)?

Mark Halastik

Update: Sesame Street takes a jab at Old Spice with "Smell Like A Monster" and makes you think how ridiculous this approach to stereotyping men through hygiene products really is:

A Good Day for Sports and Masculinity

2011-06-22T10:10:00.007-05:00

It is no secret that the professional sports world often portrays some of the worst of what it means to be a man in today’s world. Former and current athletes being accused and convicted of sexual violence, super star athletes celebrating their hubris on national television, and athletes using their money and power for sexual conquests, the examples are sadly easy to come by.

But how about this for a positive spin on today’s athletes?! While I know nothing about Rory McIlroy’s personal life, it seems that many in the sporting world have been drawn to the young man’s humility, poise, and character. After breaking several records, and dominating the U.S Open, it is his positive, humble personality making headlines. A prime example mentioned in the article is that following the Master’s Tournament, in which Mr. McIlroy fell short, some might say “choked”, he used his post-game interview to mention that it would help build his character rather than belittling sports fans.

I don’t know about you but this is was much needed breath of fresh air for both professional sports and masculinity.

Keith Bradley

Speaking Up: When, Where, Why?

2011-06-13T10:19:00.009-05:00

Recently, I was at lunch with a good friend of mine. Let’s call this friend Jack. Jack and I were enjoying each other’s company and conversation until he brought up a girl we both know (we’ll call her Susie). Jack went on to describe how much he did not like Susie. “She’s cold,” he said, “honestly, I have never felt an ounce of warmth from Susie,” Jack went on. Now, I may not have gotten my feathers all ruffled if it wasn’t for the fact that I happen to like Susie! I told Jack that perhaps all his built up frustration with Susie is stemming from the fact that he doesn’t know her all that well. “I, on the other hand, have spent a lot of time with Susie,” I told him. “She really is pretty awesome,” I continued. “No man,” Jack said, “she’s cold, she’s a b****.”

And there’s the rub. I was perfectly respectful of Jack’s thoughts on Susie until the final above-mentioned comment of his. Sure, I thought his opinions were unwarranted. I had concluded that Jack just didn’t know her and that he just didn’t know what he was saying. However, that all changed when he employed the use of a single word: a word so derogatory, chauvinistic, and offensive that I simply could not listen to my good friend Jack any longer. I stopped him right in his tracks. I interrupted him and told him he had crossed the line. Jack looked confused, surprised at how irritated I had become. I explained to him that that word was exceptionally hateful and that he had no idea what he was talking about. Jack laughed it off and insisted he did not mean to be hateful. I believed him. In fact, I felt bad I had gotten so hostile towards him. I even apologized!

Now, as I reflect on my scuffle with Jack I only feel worse. I should have held my ground. I should have defended Susie with more passion. I definitely should not have apologized. So I ask, readers, am I analyzing this too closely? Was I out of line in confronting my good friend and perhaps, if the discussion was prolonged, putting our relationship in jeopardy? In a more general sense, what are your thoughts on speaking up? When is it appropriate and when is it best to just let it slide?

Ryan Derry

Trauma Informed Allies

2011-06-07T09:31:00.007-05:00

I recently joined an agency whose mission relates to the stabilization, care and healing of kids in crisis. The agency’s culture and model of care revolves around an idea called trauma informed care. At the center of this model lives the realization that some kind of trauma happened to these kids. With this realization, we do not ask “What’s wrong with you?”, rather “What happened to you?”

As allies in the fight against sexual assault, we need to lead a similar paradigm shift when we support victims of sexual assault. Just accepting and understanding that a trauma has occurred and taking this view to our communities would be a good first step. But then a trauma informed model pushes us to accept that we must help stabilize, care for, and heal victims - without judgment. Some (perhaps not readers of this blog post) have a difficult time with the “without judgment” part of the trauma informed model. How do we lead this paradigm shift in our community?

The idea of Historical Contingency (future events are caused by a unique past) can inform our interaction and relationship with victims of sexual assault and bring the same to the larger community. If we can agree that events share a cause and effect structure then we can view a sexual assault as an event caused by other specific events in a certain context. This cause and effect structure is actually at the root of victim blaming so prevalent in our culture. But, this cause and effect structure can also be at the root of our counter argument if framed by the ideas of Historical Contingency.

We have all heard the insane chorus; “if she was not wearing this or that”, “if she would have not been drinking, or if she had planned ahead the attack would not have happened”. Historical Contingency asks, “How do you know?” How do you know what would or would not have caused the attack to happen? How do you know if it was what she was wearing, or where she was, or what plan she had would have changed the outcome? How do you know?

Historical Contingency makes a distinction between events with necessary causes and events with contingent causes. Put another way, for the outcome that did happen, could only one thing cause it or could many causes still have resulted in the same outcome? Were the events that lead up to the attack necessary (could the causes have not lead to any other outcome) or were the events contingent (could many causes have still lead to the same outcome)?

If the causes were necessary or contingent, it does not matter. No matter what the circumstances are or how many times we run through a scenario the only person that is responsible for sexual assault is the offender. The victim is never at fault no matter what she/he does. And all that matters is that the trauma occurred and forever impacts the victim. The critical point; the necessary cause of a sexual assault is always the attacker. The surrounding circumstances, the other causes, should not be part of our conversation.

Jim Doyle – Founder, Self-Protection.org

“When I Learned that Bullets were Frozen Tears”

2011-06-01T09:36:00.007-05:00

Eve Ensler (activist, author, and playwright most known for The Vagina Monologues) used the above title for a chapter in her book Insecure at Last. Since the first time I read this chapter I have been moved by the accuracy of her description of one part of the complexity of violence, particularly men’s violence in our world. I call it emotional amputation, and it's what a lot of us experience as boys who are taught to sever ties with any emotion outside of anger and rage. Our training takes place about the time we learn to walk and is instructed by any number of nurturers in our lives. We get this lesson on playgrounds, in backyards, locker rooms, on the ball field, in the band hall, the classroom, and various other common spaces that boys find themselves throughout childhood and adolescence. It sounds a bit like this:

“Get up! You ain’t hurt.”
“Quit crying or I’m going to give you something to cry about.”
“Suck it up!”
“If someone hurts you, you hurt them back!”
“Never back down!”
“Win at all costs!”

And the list goes on….

Ensler talks about two types of power in the aforementioned chapter, a power that comes from feeling and adequately processing emotions, and a power that comes with denying and suppressing emotions. She says:

"There is a power that comes out of surrendering to grief and a power that results in refusing it. I think they are two different types of power. The one that emerges through allowing grief feels clean, purged, and inclusive. You have experienced pain and grief so you would not want to inflict it on someone else. The kind of power that emerges through the denial of grief is aggressive power. It is trying to conquer something, annihilate something, and over come something. It emerges out of fear and a need to protect oneself from feeling, which then becomes a country, a people, etc. It is inauthentic power. It is not shamanic; one has not passed through something in order to arrive there. It is manufactured power in order to manipulate, bully or deny.”

In the midst of this tragic reality there is good news. We can choose to reclaim our full emotional lives and as Ensler describes above, surrender to moving through our hurts in ways that don't harm others but instead heal us and others. If more men would open themselves up to the full range of emotions, and process and express them in respectful ways, the world would be a much safer place. And if more men and women would stop emotionally amputating young boys and instead nurture them to experience, process, and respectfully express all emotions, the world could be transformed…because all at once the power to heal would replace the need for the power to harm.

John Tramel

Join us for Kansas Dad's Summit: Saturday June 4th 10am-2pm

2011-05-24T13:03:00.009-05:00

Sponsored by: Healthy Families of Johnson and Wyandotte Counties

Saturday, June 4th 10a.m.- 2p.m. Cabela's 10300 Cabela's Drive, Kansas City, Kansas in Legends Shopping Center

Featured speakers: "Coaching Boys Into Men" Brian Porch & Andre Tyler former Tampa Bay Buccaneer
-AND- "Man Up!" David Belt, with MOCSA

For Dads Attending this Free Event: Free Gift Card, Door Prizes, and BBQ Lunch Provided

Pre-registration required by June 2nd: Call Terri at 913-371-2220ext1254 OR Patty at 913-621-2016ext1205.

Organized by: Kansas Children's Service League and Circle of Parents

“What’s in Your Cup?”: Masculinity in Drink Form

2011-05-24T10:26:00.032-05:00

Have you ever lost your “man card”?

Apparently I did and didn’t even realize it….

As many of you probably know, men strive to be “real men” via a variety of behaviors. This results from years of conditioning of them as boys and men by a variety of sources. Of course, this is not true of all circumstances but is an idea that appears to be prevalent among many groups of individuals. Men and boys who deviate from normal masculinity are considered to be societal deviants, to be abnormal or weird, and are still (even in 2011) often considered to be gay or “effeminate”. This relates to the “man card” in a sense that “losing it” is the equivalent to being gay or to being abnormal. This appears to be true of bar culture specifically, with which I have quite a bit of experience given I am employed by a restaurant/bar.

When I order a drink at a bar or restaurant, I generally don’t decide what I want based on what is “manly” but on what sounds good. One time, I ordered a cosmopolitan at a bar. An acquaintance of mine was nearby (though not really hanging out with me), and interjected, “Those pink drinks are for b-----s. Why the hell would you order that s---, man?” I was appalled, as I would not have thought he would talk to me like that, nor did I see a problem with the drink I chose.

Another time, I ordered a dirty martini, for which I was chastised by a coworker. He poked fun at my “marteenee” and continued to drink his beer. In a sense, he implied it was a delicate, light drink for wimps. Unfortunately, this type of commentary is common in the bar context, and continues to be present when men do not interrogate the social norms that dictate what beverages they “should” order. This is true of their behavior as well, as they should be willing to contradict social expectations of normativity but are often unable to do so due to peer pressure.

On askmen.com, there is currently a list of the “Top 10 manly summer drinks”. The caption reads, “You’re a man, so sipping on a drink that’s garnished with an umbrella or a small tropical forest is not an option.” What does that mean? How does a drink with a miniature paper umbrella connote femininity?!? Furthermore, why does it matter? When we have expectations of men to behave in certain ways, we tell them that other behaviors are wrong or inappropriate. This causes them to view such behaviors as weak and less than equal to their own.

In regards to the list of drinks, what about them is “manly”? Sure, there are “strong drinks” including whiskey sour and Moscow Mule. Among them, though, is the vodka martini. Perhaps the culture allows drinks of this sort to be considered “manly” once an “expert” like askmen.com claims they are.

At present, who decides that such behaviors (and drinks) are manly? The answer: We do! “Snips and snails and puppy dog tails” and “Boys will be boys” are two common expressions that relate to gender, with the latter being more relevant to this post. Why do we as a society consistently adhere to the ideals that gender is a “natural” concept? Likewise, why do we not allow individuals to deviate from such “natural” behaviors? I'm still not sure. Maybe because it is just easier that way.

So, if I order a martini, does that make me lose my man card? I don’t think so—James Bond drinks martinis, and is in some ways the epitome of masculinity. And yes, I consistently prefer mine shaken, not stirred.

Mark Halastik

Reality Check: The Power of Language

2011-05-11T13:52:00.015-05:00

If you were the star of your own reality show, how would your character tell its story? Cinéma vérité is a style of documentary film making that blends reality with staged set-ups for maximum effect. It was the predecessor of today’s reality television genre. Provocative language is common, even encouraged. It escalates conflict, which heightens drama, which trounces Matlock reruns any day. But cinéma vérité does not have a lock on the power of language.

Rewind: “Dad, you made that Grace your bitch.” On its own, that quote from Talladega Nights (a Will Ferrell comedy) may seem like a harmless “kids say the darnedest things” candidate. I used to quote it, as an obtuse compliment to friends when they accomplished something particularly challenging: finishing a tough home improvement project, winning a weekend softball game, beating the IRS etc. I considered it a harmless “guy thing” -- only now I know it is not harmless and may – singularly or as part of a cumulative effect – be quite harmful. How?

Fast forward: MOCSA volunteer training 2011. The Man Up facilitators walked us through a “how bad is it?” analysis exercise where we considered various phrases or actions and ranked them low-to-high in context of how damaging we perceived them to be to women. Initially, I would have ranked the movie quote low. It’s a quote! From a comedy! Said by child actor! Our group’s discussion, though, led me down a different path: the casualization of derogatory language is just one way that men ( and society in general) can demean or degrade women, even unintentionally.

Pause: Having grown up with three sisters and plenty of female friends, I do not consider myself abusive or even chauvinistic. So how does a sensitive (I work at Hallmark for crown’s sake!) guy like me get his foundation shaken? Fatherhood. Now when I listen to the radio, watch TV, read books and blogs and interact with others, I do so with a keen ear toward defamatory words: alone or as part of a social cycle of verbal degradation. My slow evolution from “tool” to a more thoughtful dad and citizen has been a timely and necessary change. Fatherhood, and working at a company with a strong female leadership presence will do that to a guy. And I’m grateful. And I’m beginning to realize more and more the true power of language, beyond that which is just sexist. ANYTHING that minimizes another person is not OK. Here are a few observations; I encourage you to reflect on your own, too:

1) Sarcasm has a weak exchange rate in the emotional economy. I used to love the stuff, tossing out barbs here and there to keep the conversation going, interesting, stimulating…at least to me. Now I have my own live-in reality check, my daughter, who is a mirror and a megaphone. When I grimace, she grimaces. If I ask her, “Did you CLEAN your room?” I can pretty much expect a “Yes, I CLEANED it.” Touche!

2) Ke$ha kannot be kontained. I’ve tried changing the radio station, downplaying her relevance to contemporary society, explained the difference between creative and trashy…and yet “…brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack” seems to seep its way into our car radio play. Teaching moment: I asked my daughter if she knew what that lyric meant; she said she did not. I explained that Jack is short for Jack Daniels, and brushing your teeth with it makes no sense, and “I got it, Dad” was served up swiftly.

3) Overhearing doesn’t justify over-reacting. I’m all about diversity, and don’t shy away from a range of cultural events ranging from the downtown symphony to Santa Caligon Days in Independence, from tuxedo dinners to Taco Bell. With my family as company, we hear a lot that is not meant for the common ear, and often its an interchange between males about female passers-by. My shoulders tense when I hear a wolf-whistle being directed toward a woman, or my all-time-most-degrading-least-favorite overheard comment: “I’d like to tap that.” SERIOUSLY?!? Do guys (or any human being) think it’s OK to use that language? Dreadful.

4) Repetition risks affirmation. The Talladega Nights movie quote is an example; I used to repeat it so often that the word “bitch” lost its meaning. But taken to its truest, earliest meaning – am I OK with anything being compared to a female dog? No I am not, and by NOT repeating that language – as well as addressing (in safe environments) those who do, I can help stop the cycle of verbal abuse. Whether it’s said to a woman or not is immaterial; that which is said ABOUT women is just as offensive.

5) It’s OK to substitute, with creativity. Instead of saying “bitch and moan” I can use the word “complain.” Instead of quoting that line from Talladega nights, I can offer up a heartfelt but demonstrative high-five accompanied by a “YESSSSSS!”

Play:
For one week, take the language challenge. Be aware of what you say, read, hear or observe; how rampant is sexist/derogatory language in your social/work circle? Are you part of the problem? Have you perpetuated sexist language unintentionally? If you answer “Ye$” to any of these questions, you have room for improvement. And on behalf of MOCSA’s Man Up movement and dads and daughters everywhere, I hope you’ll use the power of language for good. Trust me. It’s a lot better than my mom’s method: dirty mouth = bar of soap.

Derek McCracken

Should Colleges Ban Fraternities?

2011-05-09T10:52:00.012-05:00

The New York Times website hosts a rather interesting op-ed page titled “Room for Debate.” Every so often they pose a timely, thought provoking, controversial question to a host of panelists that have some sort of firsthand knowledge directly pertaining to the issue at hand. The most recent such question was whether or not colleges should ban fraternities. The issue is then supplemented by an acknowledgement of recent studies that have shown that fraternity members tend to both abuse alcohol and behave inappropriately towards women more so than their non-Greek peers.

While the question of whether or not banning fraternities from American campuses would have any real effect in cutting down on alcohol abuse and incidents of sexual violence elicited a whole host of insightful responses, the two most interesting were those of Nicholas Syrett and Charles Eberly, both professors at major public universities. Syrett of the Univeristy of Northern Colorado, puts forth an argument of which the crux is that universities are ultimately responsible for the negative actions of the fraternities they host and that when it comes to the chicken or egg-reminiscent question of whether misogyny among college men is brought on by fraternities or if fraternities simply attract already misogynistic men, he believes that both are true. However, Syrett also believes that while people will naturally join groups whose ideals and agendas equate to their own, that the situation is compounded and exaggerated as “fraternities pressure men to change in order to earn membership and status with them.” Needless to say, Nicholas Syrett is clearly a proponent of eliminating fraternities from college campuses.

On the other side of the fence rests Charles Eberly, a professor and faculty advisor to a fraternity at Eastern Illinois Univeristy. Eberly writes that fraternities are “unfairly singled out” when it comes to sexual aggression and other lewd behaviors. Eberly goes on to mention the incredibly positive efforts of some of the fraternity members he advises in terms of community service and civic engagement. He mentions three brothers he personally knows and the admirable accomplishments they have all made: one spearheaded the development of a healthy men’s program that is presented to every incoming pledge class, one created a charity for children’s advocacy programs, and yet another brother is in the process of running 50 marathons in 50 states to raise awareness for suicide prevention. Eberly goes on to write that fraternities only attract media attention when something goes wrong, yet hardly ever when things go right, an occurrence which he believes to be more common than the opposite.

As a college student myself, I feel that I too have at least a bit of expertise on the subject debated so fiercely. While Syrett and Eberly make some excellent points, they are both too absolute in their arguments. I am not here to come to the defense of fraternities nor am I here to call for their complete elimination. I have never been a part of a fraternity myself but have known countless students who are. My firsthand experience with fraternity brothers has led me to a notion that I am totally confident in: it is impossible to generalize an entire extracurricular activity that hosts literally thousands of men at my university alone.

That being said, it is also important to note that fraternities and their members have been responsible for some extremely disturbing, disgusting, and entirely misogynistic behaviors that in no way should ever be condoned by a public university. Extreme alcohol abuse happens. The objectification of women happens. Moreover, I am absolutely certain that sexual violence brought on by men and perpetrated against women happens as well, all within the boundaries of college fraternities. While chapters are often responsible for some rather amazing programs and initiatives, they are also culpable for some rather unsettling happenings.

All this is too say that the expulsion of fraternities from campuses will do little if anything at all to combat the bigger problem: sexual violence against women. While I wholeheartedly agree with the notion that the hyper-masculine environment of American fraternities does nothing to challenge negative behavior towards women, I also believe that their elimination will only force the worst members of Greek life to seek outlets in other forums. As an RA at one of the largest residence halls on campus, I work directly and daily with college men; I can assure you that it’s not just the frat boys who are guilty of taking advantage of women.

While there is simply no easy answer to the problem of sexual violence that most of our universities are facing, I believe that a good starting point would be young men stepping up and facilitating some conversations confronting our age group’s ideas of masculinity. To be frank, these sorts of conversations just haven’t been happening. While there are certainly some violent fringe members of society that happen to be in fraternities, there are also a great deal of more or less rational fraternity members that would not have made some of the mistakes they have in terms of sexual aggression if they were not pressured into doing so by their “brothers.” When it comes down to it, the voices of responsible college men have simply not been as prominent as the voices of the aggressors. If we want to start making some progress, we need to start making some noise.

Ryan Derry

Introducing Our New Volunteer Writers

2011-05-03T11:22:00.022-05:00

Dear Readers,

You may have noticed that we are posting more frequently and have some new names tagged on our by lines. We wanted to let you know that we have invited six male volunteers to help bolster our efforts in developing thought- provoking and action- producing blog entries. We would like to take a moment to properly introduce them to you and thank them for their time. We are very excited about their participation in this project and hopeful that they can help generate further discussions as well as deepen awareness to the issues of sexual violence and men's role as part of the solution. If you have interest in volunteering in this way please contact us at our parent site MOCSA.org.

* Ryan Derry is a junior at the University of Kansas pursuing a degree in English with a minor in Political Science. Ryan has been volunteering with MOCSA over the past two years helping with Strength Clubs at Cristo Rey High School. Ryan became involved with MOCSA out of respect for the organizations mission, desire to work with young men, and interest in public service.

*Jim Doyle is currently Director of Business Operations at Marillac Children’s Psychiatric Hospital. He founded Self-Protection.org in 2009 to help empower individuals to protect themselves from threats, connect these individuals to others, and to help create safer communities. The mission and vision of Self-Protection.org dramatically state that everyone has the right NOT to be a victim, and that everyone can take simple actions to keep themselves safer. Jim is proud to volunteer with the Man Up! program at MOCSA to bring needed attention to what men and boys can and should do to stop sexual violence.

* Mike Eggleston and his wife have lived in the Kansas City area for almost 30 years, and have two daughters. A graduate of the University of Kansas School of Law, Mike has worked for Yellow Freight (now YRC), Ferrellgas, and currently Burr & Temkin, a commercial real estate firm, as their Vice President - Business Manager. Mike became involved with MOCSA in the Spring of 2010, following attendance at a Community Luncheon. He has gone through the Volunteer Training course and has taken part in several Man-up! workshops and various other events and activities. As a husband, a father, and a son, he recognizes now more than ever the critical importance of MOCSA’s mission!

* Mark Halastik is currently a graduate student in the Social Work (MSW) program at University of Missouri, Kansas City. His interest in volunteering with MOCSA coincides with 1) research interests in gender, sexuality, women's and men's studies; 2) advocating for violence prevention; and 3) commitment to education and outreach regarding violence and sexual assault. In May 2011, Mark will begin an internship with Planned Parenthood of Kansas and Mid-Missouri. In August, he will work as an intern at the Women's Center at UMKC. He hopes to continue to foster strong relationships between MOCSA and the various programs at the Women's Center and potentially with Planned Parenthood. Upon completion of the MSW program in the spring of 2012, he plans to pursue a career in macro-level social work.

* Derek McCracken has been volunteering with MOCSA since 1996, the same year he started working at Hallmark Cards as a greeting card editor. Some of his volunteer roles have included co-facilitating a co-ed survivors' discussion group, serving on the speakers' bureau, helping out with various SURE special events, and facilitating the male survivors' discussion group. He's still at Hallmark, working as a Creative Director and diversity advocate. He is glad to be part of the MOCSA volunteer team.

* John Tramel has worked for several years with organizations dedicated to addressing social justice issues related to race, gender, socio-economics, and sexuality. Before moving to Kansas City two years ago, John worked with Men Stopping Violence in Atlanta, GA as a trainer and program coordinator engaging and educating men to join the work of ending violence against women.

Thanks and please feel free to comment on any of their great posts!

MOCSA Staff

Why should all men be involved?

2011-05-03T10:40:00.015-05:00

I remember the scene like it happened yesterday. A group of approximately fifteen middle-school boys were bantering each other in the front yard of a classmate’s house as the party began. Out of nowhere came two well-respected high school males confidently strolling towards the group of younger boys. As they approached, the young guys in the yard, of which I was a part, froze and gazed towards them with a sense of pride and delight in the fact that these older males would join the party.

The two teenage guys wasted no time in getting to the point, “Where’s all the girls?” With nervous smiles and laughter, each of us said in a jumbled chorus, “In the house…waiting for us!” Then they raised the question and moment of reckoning, “Who’s gonna get some?!” We all paused, not real sure what “getting some” meant, but sure that if these older guys thought we should, we better all resound an assured, “Yea… I am!” They laughed and followed with, “Ya’ll better!” and headed on their way. Here we were a group of middle school boys fifteen or so strong, on a mission to “get some” as we ventured in the house to join the girls.

As you can imagine, the goal for us was clear, emulating and impressing our older and wiser “heroes” by compelling the girls to engage in sexual activities. The environment was established. Our encounters, however they would end up, were not about a mutually desired intimate connection, but about girls being a means to the end goal of older male approval. This extremely dangerous atmosphere that encompassed the young girls that evening is dreadfully common at social gatherings all across America.

This common danger is one reason all men should be involved. All men are implicitly and/or explicitly educated and given tools to be sexually aggressive.

What do I mean by that? (I can imagine that this idea could be a little alarming). Do I believe that all men act in sexually aggressive ways? No. Do I believe all men have the education, tools, and ability to make sexually aggressive choices? Yes.

I will make sense of this by explaining the way Men Stopping Violence, an Atlanta-based social change organization dedicating to ending men’s violence against women, defines male sexual violence. Male sexual violence is male expectation of sexual acts combined with tactics to compel submission.

Here are some of the expectations that countless men have described from their own experiences:

Men should have lots of sex
Men should have access to sex on demand
Sex should be a trade-off for dinner, nice evening, etc.
Women’s bodies are available for men’s gratification
There is a point-of-no-return during sexual encounters

All men get these messages and ascribe to them in various degrees. Many men are very uncomfortable with these messages, but don’t know what to do with these feelings. Some men loyally follow these expectations and use tactics to fulfill them in relationships with women.

Some of the tactics are:

Name calling and whistling
Looks and gestures
Coercion
Emotional and psychological manipulation
Sulking and guilt
Drugs and/or alcohol
Physical manipulation and/or aggression
Isolation
Threats

When we combine the expectation with the tactics, sexual violence occurs. As I mentioned many men are very uncomfortable with the expectations and the tactics and never choose to internalize or act on them, but they also don’t challenge them in other men. Society normalizes this equation and in many ways makes a case for its acceptability.

Because of this reality, men need to hear from each other that this is not acceptable, it’s not part of the game, and it is not normal or natural. Men need not only to find this uncomfortable but despicable and intolerable. This is a lie that destroys the lives of women and children in our lives and communities and dehumanizes men.

For this reason, all men should be involved because there is no possibility for neutrality. If we as men are not challenging this belief system, we allow it to be perpetuated through the many messengers delivering it.

Working to change the messages men are getting will take the majority of men speaking a new narrative. If more voices are not raised in contradiction to the sexually aggressive narrative explained above, then more and more young men will adopt and adhere to it.

I talk to men all the time that say, “I would never sexually assault, rape, or violate a woman and your request doesn’t apply to me.” I then respond with something a college professor once said, “Once you are aware of the problem, you cannot be neutral, you are either part of the solution or you’re part of the problem.”

Men shouldn’t join the efforts to end men’s violence against women for charitable reasons, because of special talents, or to become heroes. We should join because it is our, all of our, responsibility.

In Letters from a Birmingham Jail, Dr. King is responding to white clergy’s critique of his direct action against racism. In their critique, they said that, if Dr. King and the SCLC would have given the new Mayor of Birmingham time, changes would have been made. Dr. King responded, “Time itself is neutral, it can be used constructively or destructively. More and more I feel that the people of ill-will have used time much more effectively than have the people of good will. We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people.”

Men’s silence will only allow more perpetrations against women and children by men who continue to operate from the sexually aggressive narrative that powerfully instructs beliefs, attitudes and behaviors. We know that most men would not want that to happen to someone they love. Therefore, it is in men’s self-interest to be part of the solution because we all have women and children in our lives for whom we deeply love and care.

Most men can identify women in their lives that they would never want to see suffer the unimaginable horror of sexual violence. If men can begin to empathize by considering how they themselves would be affected by knowing a women they care for has been violated, maybe they could get to a place where they would not want to imagine any women going through this nightmare.

Not all men will be directly impacted by sexual violence, but as long as any woman is in danger, all women are in danger, including the women men know and love. Our mothers, sister, daughters, cousins, friends, co-workers, and lovers will never be truly safe until all women are safe.

John Tramel, friend of MOCSA and formally of Men Stopping Violence

SAAM: A plea for active male bystanders

2011-04-26T14:54:00.005-05:00

From Sexual Assault Awareness Month - Home
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month

"The month of April has been designated Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) in the United States. The goal of SAAM is to raise public awareness about sexual violence and to educate communities and individuals on how to prevent sexual violence. Each day, people witness a continuum of behaviors that range from being respectful and safe, to sexually abusive and violent."

If you are reading this blog, I am assuming you are not a bully, abuser or violent criminal. Maybe you are, like me, a loving husband, protective father, or proud son; a man angry that others who share our gender are violent. We have a responsibility to stop sexual violence perhaps even greater than those bad ones. But, don’t be frightened away here; a law of nature dictates that small actions can have a big effect. So, what can we do? I have two ideas.

First, understand the Bystander Effect. If you are not a bad guy or a victim, you are a bystander; the audience, those present at or near the scene of violence. They are those who support or deny support to the bad guys. Bystanders create the back-drop for sexual assault. The behavior bystanders take or do not take determines how far bad guys can go. A harsh reality I know, but WE allow sexual assault to happen. But again, what can we do? A simple example: When you tolerate degrading speech (even innocent seeming words) about women, you are tolerating these statements towards YOUR wife, YOUR daughter, or YOUR mother, and encouraging the devaluation that leads to escalating violence. Stop participating with these words and stop tolerating it. In this way, we contain and restrain bad behavior and become active bystanders rather than bystanders colluding with bad guys.

Second, as men, we can help empower the women and girls in our lives. Empowerment results in more power and control over events; in this case, more power and control over the contexts of sexual assault. An empowerment process created by Self-Protection.org consists of:
• Rationally understand threats
• See where you can impact those threats
• Take action to mitigate threats, and take action against threats
• Connect with others who face similar threats (and allies)

By rationally understanding the threat of sexual assault, women and girls can become more aware of the contexts and realities of sexual assault. By seeing where they can impact, each individual can begin to explore where they can impact this threat. From these first two steps, individuals can learn to take action to mitigate sexual assault and take action to protect themselves from this threat. And, by connecting with other women and girls as well as the men and boys who choose to be allies, a safer community begins to establish itself around and in us all. Finally, by developing more power and control, women and girls in our society can be safer from violence.

Together, we can create a community where a new generation of boys grow up interacting with protective dads and empowered girls. We can create a community where boys learn to be respectful and safe rather than sexually abusive and violent. Man Up! and help create this community.

Man Up! Volunteer Jim Doyle –Founder, Self-Protection.org

MOCSA IS FOR MEN, TOO!

2011-04-18T11:09:00.008-05:00

For over 35 years, MOCSA has been providing therapy, support and advocacy for victims of rape and sexual assault, whether children or adult, regardless of their gender. So why does it still feel like this is a “women’s only” issue? Take a look at the public persona of this vibrant, wonderful organization, as it relates to male sexual abuse:

• Rare (but growing) instances of male sexual abuse are reported through the MOCSA hotline at (816) 531-0233 or (913) 642-0233, and fewer still through the robust hospital advocacy program offered by trained MOCSA staff and volunteers;
• There was one male participant in a group of 30 women during a recent volunteer training session;
• One adult group therapy session currently exists for male victims of abuse; and,
• Only a smattering of men participate in the organization’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) events annually.

Now granted, there are more girls than boys who are sexually abused in childhood (estimates are 1 in 4 for girls vs. 1 in 6 for boys), and clearly, not everyone who volunteers or supports MOCSA is themselves a victim of abuse. However, applying this statistic of male sexual abuse, I would expect the face of MOCSA to look something like this:

• 37% of all MOCSA hotline and hospital advocacy requests would be for males;
• In a volunteer training class of 30, I would expect about 11 of the attendees to be men;
• There would be multiple male victim support groups happening on different days of the week, at a variety of times; and,
• Nearly half of SAAM attendees would be men.

So, what keeps men so quiet? Maybe what keeps men away from MOCSA (and other sexual abuse support services) is the increased stigma and shame that we place on boys and young men not to ask for help, not to admit victimization, and not to feel their feelings. Maybe it’s fear that they are the only one who has had this happen, and that no one else can possibly understand what they have experienced or what they continue to face every day of life since the abuse happened. In short, I suspect what silences our boys and men is the fear of being alone!

Over the past several years, many celebrities have stepped out and bravely shared their painful secrets of childhood sexual abuse – from NFL player Laveranues Coles in 2005; to actor, director, producer and writer Tyler Perry in 2010 (incidentally it was his sharing that led to a subsequent and historic Oprah Winfrey 2-part show dedicated to this subject, featuring 200 adult male survivors in the audience); to the recent book and interview on “60 Minutes” by Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown this past February. Interestingly, regarding the recent 2-part Oprah show that aired in November of 2010, there were initial concerns that they wouldn’t be able to find 200 men who would be willing to come on national television and be identified as victims of sexual abuse – they were surprised to receive thousands of applications!

Closer to home, beyond the rich and famous who have courageously come forward to tell their stories, there are unfortunately thousands of men right here in our own community who share membership in this ugly brotherhood – and they may be your husband, your boyfriend, your father, your brother, your boss, your co-worker, your friend, your teacher, your teammate, or YOU! Sadly, chances are excellent that you know at least one man who has suffered sexual abuse and who may right now be suffering alone; desperately needing to know that they are not the only one, while being equipped with the tools and resources to help them heal and get well.

For whatever reason, it seems to me that far fewer men than women seek the help that MOCSA is ready and qualified to provide. If you (or someone you know) were sexually abused as a child, regardless of your gender, check out MOCSA and the individual and group therapy services that are available – at no charge to the client. Beyond MOCSA, other places for men who have been sexually abused to go for help include:

• http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/male-sexual-assault
• http://www.malesurvivor.org
• http://www.1in6.org

At a future MOCSA Community Luncheon, the big annual party celebrating all the good that an organization such as this one does in the lives of so many people in our community, I’d love to see groups of men sitting at tables with signs that say, “MOCSA is for men, too”!

By Mike Eggleston, MOCSA Volunteer

Sexual Assault Awareness Month ..... MOCSA Events April 6-15

2011-04-05T10:14:00.006-05:00

April 6th
Kansas City Kansas Community College: "Open Mike"
1pm at the Intercultural Center

April 7th
Kansas City Kansas Community College: "T.A.K.E Self-Defense Training"
2-4pm

MOCSA Volunteer Happy Hour
5:30pm at McCoy's in Westport

April 10th-16th National Crime Victim's Rights Week

April 11th
Teal Ribbon Campaign with Law Enforcement

Gladstone declares April Sexual Assault Awareness Month at 7:30pm

Rockhurst University displays Clothesline Project

April 12th
Precious screening and discussion

April 13th
Victim's Rights Display
10am-2pm at Johnson County Courthouse

Victim Awareness Fair
10am at Johnson County Courthouse

UMKC Sexual Assault Awareness Table 11am-1pm

April 14th
Health Fair
8:30am-11:30am at Kansas City Kansas Community College

VictimeNet Closeline Display and Survivor Speakers
12-1:30pm

Kansas City, Missouri declares April Sexual Assault Awareness Month

April 15th
CAPA Awareness Display
7:10pm at Royals game

Annual Kansas City Kansas Community College Poetry Slam and Reading
12pm at Jewell Student Center Deli Area

Lathrop and Gage, LLP Denim Day

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

2011-03-16T09:03:00.004-05:00

While our legal system is centered on the premise of the common phrase “Innocent until proven guilty”, that is sadly not the reality for victims of sexual assault. A recent article in The Huffington Post brings to mind the reoccurring fact in our society that victims of sexual assault are blamed for their experience, or were “asking for it”, another phrase known all too well.

For victims of sexual violence, even as horrific as the gang rape of an 11-year old girl by 18 young men and boys (if they can even be called that), it is “guilty until proven innocent”. Somehow blaming a girl for sexual assault, in a state where the age of consent for sexual activity, any type of sexual activity, is 17, makes more sense to members of our communities and even the mainstream media than loudly and confidently condemning the inhumane act of rape and blaming the perpetrators.

And in a similar way that society treats individuals who were accused of a crime but later found “not guilty”, victims of rape are still often treated as “guilty” even while their perpetrators are convicted and behind bars.

Keith Bradley

Take this scholarship and shove it!

2011-02-11T11:28:00.008-06:00

I have been feeling uneasy about sports lately, so when I sat down to read the morning sports page and came across an article entitled "College Basketball's Latest Move: Quit" I wasn't surprised to notice my blood pressure rise. The article takes a hard look at a number of college student athletes (specifically, male basketball players) who have chosen to forfeit their scholarships and a year of eligibility to transfer to another school due to a variety of reasons. Upon finishing the article I found myself more frustrated as the writer did not answer the key question the article raised: "what is going on in sports culture that's causing this migration?" But none the less, I would recommend the read as it provides some insight into a growing trend not only men's college basketball but in sports, in general.

The article reports that over 400 student athletes transferred in 2008 and while there may be various reasons for those transfers, since this article is highlighting the disenfranchised male student athletes, it does beg the question of how many of those 400 were men. Which leads to a follow-up question of "what's going on in the subculture of male athletics that is creating this trend that allows them to quit when the going gets tough?" As the article reports, most of these guys transfer because they lost their starting position to someone BETTER. Instead of "man-ing up" by taking responsibility for it, these guys are developing a complex that they are more important than their teammates and are rallying behind an old mantra with a twist: "take this scholarship and SHOVE IT!"

As I alluded to earlier, over past several years I have had a love-hate relationship as a fan and participant with sports. I have even considered stop watching or participating in sports for good. However, at the very core I believe sports are intrinsically good as they provide both a healthy outlet for many to work off stress and a safe space to gain insight about life experience as there is as much to learn in the success of winning as there is in the failure of loosing. In America, sports over the past 50 years has taken on a life of its own and has developed its own culture filled with varieties of heroes, villains, jokers, and plagues. Lately, I feel like I have been observing more of the villains and plagues as they are getting far more run in media and it has me concerned that we have strayed too far away from the good of sports.

My biggest concern is that these trends in sports culture will start to trickle down to high school and younger athletics. I would like to believe there is more purity in the value of sports for these ages but I have become more aware of the exploitation of youth sports and it sickens me. Earlier this week I was listening to a high school player that was fed up with losing and was calling out the attitude/ work ethic of his fellow players. Not once did he take any responsibility for his own part in the team's problems. His coach benched him for a game for yelling at fellow players during a practice and showing disrespect to the coach. This young man reported that he didn't plan to travel to the next game and was considering quiting the team all together. I don't know what to do about the problems (villains & plagues) I'm seeing in college and professional sports, but I'm certain there is something we can do with young men like this in high school sports to curb this attitude before it grows into something worse.

As always, I'm curious what you think... Is this a failure of coaches, parents, fans or the players themselves? And what can we learn from it so that we don't continue to make this mistake?

Talking trash

2010-12-07T09:16:00.021-06:00

I like trash talking as much as the next sports fan but with technology today, how do you know when it's gone too far? Whether it's emails, texts, twitter, facebook, or ESPN's "Conversation Section140" there are a lot more outlets today to chide your friends over rivalries or critique your own players/teams performance. Many video games, also, allow online players to talk trash to one another. Trash talk, or talking smack, is not limited to just sports as we see it in politics and other arenas as well but it's my assumption that it has become socially acceptable because of sports. It's well known that Michael Jordan did it a lot and was good at it and some fans believe there is even an art to it. Maybe Jim Rome should get the most credit (or blame) for this becoming an art form with the development and annual event of his radio show's "Smackoff" in which caller's compete for "Best Caller of the Year" honors by degrading rival teams and fans alike. But I believe trash talk is older than Jim and Michael and believe it may go back to the days when fans' “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” signaled life or death for a beaten down gladiator.

And while that's all fine and good - and sometimes quite entertaining - there is a line that gets crossed when you strike a nerve with someone by getting too personal. Moreover, there seems to be less of a filter when people post their smack through technology then what they would say face to face to another in bars or other establishments where rival fans come together. I mean, you say the wrong thing to the wrong person at a bar and you might literally get smacked. The lack of the prospect of this happening through technology allows people the "freedom" to say whatever they want to others.

Fortunately, many sites have policies to govern inappropriateness between fans. But what happens when the reader is not a fan at all, rather the athlete that made a bad play that everyone is trashing?

Recently, two such players have taken a lot of flack from their fans for their crunch time short-comings in Boise State kicker Kyle Brotzman and Missouri basketball player Kim English. Brotzman missed two field goals leading to a loss to Nevada that will keep them out of a national championship game. English saved a ball going out of bounds to the other team allowing them to hit a game tying three point basket with no time left in regulation that eventually lead to Missouri's unraveling in over time. Both players received a lot of disapproval the following days and Brotzman even received death threats, including some aimed at his family members.

When you boil it down, smack talk is all about proving oneself to others over something you take (often entirely too much) pride in by degrading something or someone else. Certainly women talk smack, but it seems like they are imitating a very masculine past time and that trash talk is often linked to calling out one's manhood by degrading feminine characteristics. Scenes like the one from The Sandlot come to mind concluding with the ultimate dis in boyhood, "you play like a girl".

I have heard fans argue about how athletes at any level can turn it off by not listening or reading all the comments and, ultimately, someone always says, "sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me". But are these type of comments really the responsibility of the athlete? Do fans really have the freedom to say and do whatever they want? Are personal verbal attacks about someone's on field performance not only OK but something worth rewarding if it leads to others taking another step by leaving death threatening messages? Do boys value girls less in environments where fans and coaches regularly talk smack with put downs like "you throw like a girl" or worse? It's well documented that cyber bullying has lead to death in the forms of suicide and murder - is that what it will take for us to seriously consider when we have taken smack talk too far?

Upcoming Event: Man Up! Winter Workshop

2010-12-03T10:33:00.005-06:00

We are very excited about the direction Man Up! is headed and want to invite you to take part in our Man Up! Winter Workshop Thursday December 16th from 6-8:30pm at Johnson County Community College in their Carlson Center in room 107. We will highlight new directions for Man Up!, preview our new program "Strength Clubs", and this will be the first step for all interested Man Up! volunteers. If you have interest in our Man Up! Program as a potential volunteer or in simply learning more about the program, especially “Strength Clubs”, this will be the perfect opportunity for you.

In case you don’t know, Man Up! is MOCSA’s program that aims to engage men and boys about how they can play a vital role by being a part of the solution to end sexual violence. There a lot of reasons to have a program that specifically addresses men but two standout: 1) men know survivors as family members, neighbors, and co-workers and care to see sexual violence end; 2) men can challenge other men to stop rape before it starts. At MOCSA, we believe all men can...

 SPEAK UP!- If a brother, friend, co-worker or teammate is disrespectful to girls and women, don’t look the other way, speak up. Increase awareness of others by letting them know its not the victim’s fault.

 STAND UP!- Mentor and teach young boys how to be respectful men who don’t degrade or abuse girls and women. Understand how media, attitudes, and behaviors might inadvertently demean women and perpetuate sexual violence.

 MAN UP!- Be a part of the solution by being an ally to those working to end sexual violence; support organizations and events publicly and financially

You also might be interested to know that Strength Clubs are MOCSA's multi-faceted programs offering a proven model and a vital next step for engaging and reeducating young men toward the crucial goal of reducing levels of violence (against men and women) long-term. The program aims to mobilize young men to find and use their strength for creating a culture free from violence, especially men’s violence against women. Strength Clubs provide a safe, structured, and supportive space to connect with male peers through exploring masculinity and male strength. Exposing young men to healthier, nonviolent models and visions of manhood, Strength Clubs challenge members to develop their own definitions of masculinity and to translate their learning into community leadership, progressive action, and social change.

For more information about how you can participate in this event, call MOCSA at 816.931.4527 and ask for the Man Up! Program Coordinator.

Blame it on her clothes...and "biology"!

2010-05-17T16:39:00.012-05:00

Working in the field of sexual violence prevention, we regularly bump up against men (and women) that though they report they are "totally against rape" - women should be more careful with what they wear when they are out and about. Some even add in, "... because men biologically can't control themselves when aroused...". This is displayed in the write-in response of a 'well-meaning' father below but has been echoed by many before and throughout our culture:

As the father of a daughter, I am 100% supportive of the fact that sexual assault is something that should not occur under any circumstances.

The one area that many women seem to conveniently overlook is that biological studies have shown that the most basic way men get "aroused"
and become sexually attracted to women is through visual stimulation.

While nothing justifies sexual assault, there are many instances where women should be charged with indecent exposure. For example: Wearing a bikini on the beach is a natural situation where women wearing scantily clad bathing suits may be "racy", but still appropriate. However, a woman wearing that same scantily clad bathing suit in a mall or at a grocery store is inappropriate.

One way to dramatically reduce sexual attention in inappropriate environments is for women to dress more conservatively in those environments. I'm not talking about burqas and excessive clothing covering every inch of the body; I'm talking about "dressing appropriately" for the theater you are going to.

There's a lot to say in response to those that buy in to these beliefs that both blame what happens to a person based on what they wear as well as exonerate men who are unable to control themselves in various situations for "biological" excuses. First of all, to suggest that "the sins of men are, in part, the fault of women, specifically women in tight-fitting clothing" is putting a lot of responsibility at the feet of women. But we know that women that dress conservatively, even in burkas, can be victims of sexual assault. It also suggests that certain types of clothing holds power over men that they can not resist to the point they must respond with violence and aggression - rape is not romance. If tight fitting clothes really caused men to act this way then the surgeon general needs to put warning labels on most (if not all) clothes sold to women these days. Many in the know in this field can tell you that sexual violence has nothing to do with how a woman dresses - as many victims we see are not wearing anything that is particularly "sexy" - and it has everything to do with how a potential perp chooses to behave.

Secondly, as man, let me just tell you that it is insulting to men to claim that they are helpless to control their own actions. The implication of this thinking is that every male, given any situation where they have the opportunity to take advantage of someone else, could and would commit sexual assault. While it is true that the majority of assaults are committed by males, it is not true that the majority of males are sexually violent. Moreover, to base this on biology as if to suggest by stating something is "biological" is to imply it is instinct or ingrained and, therefore, impossible to alter or change is erroneous in and of itself. We (READ: human beings, both male and female) all have instincts and we are, in fact, instinctual but instincts are only a part of our decision making process - and, yes!, we do have "knee-jerk" reactions to certain things but even those can be altered and controlled.

Bottom Line: Men choose and are solely responsible for how they behave and/or respond to how women freely choose to identify themselves through their fashion - to suggest anything else is ridiculous!

The Art of Manliness

2010-03-18T12:35:00.008-05:00

I was looking for some clips from "guy movies" to use in our pilot program and came across this great website "The Art of Manliness". I wanted to share this site with all of you as a fantastic resource for critical discussions about the dominant stories of masculinity.

I'm also curious about what movies have influenced the shaping of your norms or expectations of what it means to be a "real man" in today's world and/or the subculture that you identify with?

I know the movies that have shaped my ideas are the ones I own and watch, or have watched, over and over each year. Five come to mind quickly: "A River Runs Through It"; "Good Will Hunting"; "Borne Identity"; "Once"; and "Marley and Me". Several questions occur to me as I make this list but the most important is "how do these influence my perception(s) of my own masculinity today?"

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I shape my whole identity around these movies but it is funny to think how many parts of these reinforce several of my beliefs, attitudes, aspirations, and behaviors. For example, a couple years ago I took up fly fishing because of Brad Pitt's character and how effortless and peaceful those scenes look on the river in Montana look. Now whenever I'm fly fishing I hear Robert Redford's voice commentating in the background...just kidding. I have, seriously, always loved the outdoors and getting away from the busyness of city life makes fly fishing alone on a river or lake all the more life-giving.

"Good Will Hunting" had its influence on my pursuit of a therapy degree and my continued work with troubled youth in programs I coordinate as well as where I spend many a volunteer hour. I like "Once" for its indie feel and clean break from American status-quo movies about bands -- that said, with the exceptions of "Spinal Tap" and HBO series "Flight of the Conchords". The Frames did an excellent job of weaving their music around the story without the usual emphasis on sex and drugs. And I really liked how Marketa had her own agency with regards to decision making in relationship with Glenn. "Marley and Me" is a no-brainer in that I am fan of big dogs, especially Labradors, and the influence of pets on people's lives. And I will freely admit that I just like the action in the "Bourne" movies for what it is.

Often, in doing this work we become very critical of the influence of media for stereotyping unhealthy norms of men and women and relationships. Thankfully, "The Art Of Manliness" got me thinking about these various movies I'm reminded media can provide positive inspiration as well as be a powerful educational tool. I hope you all can make use of their site and look forward to hearing from you about the various movies or TV series that have had an influence on your experience of masculinity (or femininity).

Upcoming April Events: SAAM

2010-03-08T13:07:00.007-06:00

Thursday April 1st
Crime Victim's Rights Art Show
Johnson County Central Library, 4-6pm

Saturday April 3rd
Create Your Own Reality: Free of Sexual Violence
Gifted Hands, Crown Center, 3-6pm

Tuesday April 6th
Unified Government of Kansas City, Ks & Wyandotte County Denim Day
Kansas City, Kansas, City Hall, 10:30-1pm

Wednesday April 7th
Blue River Health Fair, 10am - 2pm

Saturday April 10th
Riverside Project Aware, 11:30am - 1pm

Thursday April 15th
Health Fair
Kansas City Kansas Community College, 8:30 - 11:30am

Saturday April 17th
Walk A Mile In Her Shoes
Liberty High School, 2:30-4pm

Research Foundation Block Party
Research Medical Center, 10am - 2pm

National Crime Victim's Rights Week April 18th - 24th

Monday April 19th
Clothesline Project: Sexual Assault Awareness
Avila University, 8am - 5pm

St. Luke's Plaza Lunch and Learn
St. Luke's Hospital, 12-1pm

Tuesday April 20th
Clothesline Project: Sexual Assault Awareness
Avila University, 8am - 5pm

University Missouri Kansas City "Take Back the Night"
UMKC, 6-10pm

Wednesday April 21st
Clothesline Project: Sexual Assault Awareness
Avila University, 8am - 5pm

Thursday April 22nd
Clothesline Project: Sexual Assault Awareness
Avila University, 8am - 5pm

Denim Day at UMKC

Friday April 23rd
Clothesline Project: Sexual Assault Awareness
Avila University, 8am - 5pm

Saturday April 24th
UMKC School of Nursing Health Fair
UMKC, 9am-2pm

Tuesday April 27th
"Speak Out: Empowerment Through Spoken Word"
YWCA of Greater Kansas City in Kansas City, Kansas, 7-9:30pm

Manhood Lost...really?

2009-12-01T13:59:00.029-06:00

I ran across a YouTube trailer of a new video called "An Emasculating Truth" while reading fellow bloggers and was dumbstruck by the idea that someone would contend ("scientifically") that the end of manhood is near. Take a look at these two trailers/teasers and tell me if you think this guy is serious:

I watched this first video and thought it must be a set up as he doesn't look all that serious about his project as his body language seems to portray sarcasm more than someone passionately concerned with the subject matter. Case in point, look at his facial expressions during the hunting scene as well as the scene at the circumcision. My first impressions from this video was that it was some sort of mockumentary.

But this second video raised some concern in me that this guy really does believe that there's a crisis in masculinity and, accordingly, it stems from some sort of loss of those good 'ol tough guy days when men were men and everyone else were girls or at least 'girlie men'.

On one hand, I'm not sure I can take this arguement seriously because traditional masculinity is still the norm and reinforced all around us daily (you can even fill in a link for "all around" or "daily" as there are endless amounts of sites, videos, commercials, etc that prop imagery of a specific type of manliness in your face 24-7...why else would chevy choose football legend Howie Long to sell their brand? Is he known to be smart about cars? What audience are they aiming for by using him? Are they selling a car/truck or the brand of a "man's man" vehicle?).

The fact of the matter is we are over saturated with ideas of hegemonic masculinity. Any given day in any given town I can walk into any teen or pre-teen class room and ask boys (and girls) to point out stereotypes of what it means to be a "real man". I actually do this quite often as part of my vocation and volunteer life, yet, it never ceases to amaze me how many various groups of kids can always produce the same tired list of images and ideas of traditional masculinity ("real men are tough, don't cry, prove their toughness by beating others up, prove their prowess by hooking up with girls for one night stands, work tougher jobs, drink beer, are in charge, fix things, and deserve a specially designed area in their homes to be men, etc"). In the face of all this, to postulate manhood is not only in crisis but nearing "total emasculation" -- or will become obsolete in the future as women will somehow win the evolution battle, rid the world of men, and become lesbians as Glenn O'Brien suggests -- seems absolutely ridiculous.

Almost as ridiculous as the stream of reminders in our culture that tell us how to be "real men".

Still, I have read and seen all the evidence he raises in the second video before and heard many critics raise the same incredulous conclusions: men are being feminized in the classroom; title IX is hurting men in sports and is the sole reason there are fewer men on college campuses; and women are stealing men's jobs especially in this bad economy. However, the stat "13% of men live at home" (with their parents of orgin) is a new one. Although, the only study I found that comes close to backing this stat actually reports young women are more likely than young men to stay at home.

That said, I'm not sure how we are to blame women for that one or any of this. And, yet, that's exactly what these critics, including this film maker "Oscar", are attempting to do in blaming women's empowerment for men's short comings. Essentially, Oscar, and others like him, are attempting to say that men are oppressed and we need to free men before they become extinct. The problem is in their "proof" in that their blame game holds all other factors in a vaccum and suggests that men are not to blame at all for their (alleged) collective, recent, lack of achievement. The other factors have to be considered and when one does (example in a moment) we find there are far better significant correlations that explain these trends. One also finds these trends are not necessarily interrelated nor conclusive that women are taking over the world at the expense of men.

Take, for example, the claim that testosterone levels have continuously dropped over the past 20 years in men. Oscar not only suggests that this is part of "femization" of men but also suggests this will contribute to more female births. Though there are several studies that back this stat most suggest that the key contributing factor is increased high glucose diets among men. Suggesting that lower testosterone levels in a man will cause him to have only female off spring is a leap with no backing.

Whether you take Oscar and his co-conspiracy theorists seriously or not, I would ask that you thoroughly and critically vet their assumptions and proof...and then send me your thoughts as I'm always curious what others think.

Walk A Mile...2009 Pics, Highlights & Thanks!

2009-09-23T09:05:00.013-05:00

Is there anything harder than walking in heels up and down hills or stairs or while pushing a stroller on a college campus? Last night on the campus of the University of Missouri Kansas City, nearly a hundred men found out first hand and gained a new appreciation for what women are put through to look "fashionable" or "sexy" in our culture. 200 more people came out to support these men as they took a stand to speak out against sexual violence.

Walk A Mile In Her Shoes has been around since 2001 but has received some critism of late for making a mockery of women's experience as well as limiting the victimization of sexual violence -- as if it only happens to women. Both are valid points. I believe this march creates space to begin conversations about how men and women can partner together to end sexual violence. High heels are only a representation of ALL the devices that are meant to keep women, collectively, "in their place". As you see above, many men take on other devices in this walk as well such as pushing a stroller, wearing hose, painting their nails, and wearing skirts.

Even in walking in these shoes for a mile, participants recognized that they will not fully comprehend what it means to be stereotyped and oppressed by these things daily. That said, many men complained of blisters, turned ankles, and felt gawked at during the march as well as many reported they did not know how women dawn heels ever after their mile experience. For men to catch a glimpse of women's daily experience, have an opportunity to broaden their awareness about how sexual violence impacts their loved ones, and learn that they can be a part of the solution by becoming active allies in their communities -- this is the goal of "Walk A Mile" events and I believe that was accomplished at UMKC's 3rd annul event.

Thanks to all that participated and supported the event. It was great to see so many campus and communtiy men and women join together to walk in support of ending sexual violence. A special thanks to the UMKC's Women Center for making this event possible.

UPDATE: Cross posted at UMKC's Women Center.

UMKC's 3rd Annual Walk A Mile In Her Shoes

2009-08-05T15:49:00.006-05:00

UMKC's 3rd Annual Walk A Mile In Her Shoes is only a week away, please feel free to come out and support us! Or, better yet, march with us by signing up at UMKC's Women's Center.

For more information about men's activism as a part of "Walk A Mile In Her Shoes" please visit their website here.

Why misogyny in sports culture?

2009-07-23T09:20:00.012-05:00

Why is it that an aspect of sports culture appears to go hand in hand with misogyny?

I have been listening to a lot sports talk lately on the subjects of Ben Roethlisberger and Erin Andrews, reading articles about both, and reading the comments from sports fans after the articles. In both, hearing what is said by radio sports talk show guys and the comment sections by knucklehead sports fans I find myself really disappointed in recognizing how today’s sports culture and misogyny goes hand in hand.

It has been really interesting to see how sports culture handles these two incidents and, specifically, the women involved. In the report of Roethlisberger’s alleged sexual assault, many have jumped on his bandwagon to show blind support for their “hero” and suggesting the reason they do so is because of all they “know” about him or that they know him so well that they are on first name basis with him. What many know about Ben is his on-field performance and accomplishments but most of us have no clue what he is really like off the field, including how he treats women in his life. (To be honest, I don’t know Ben nor do I know a thing about his criminal history or his significant other relationships other than he’s not married.) On the other hand, most in sports culture do just the opposite with McNulty. Though we know she held a high position at Harrah’s Hotel and Casino, many fans immediately assume she is a “gold digging-jersey chasing- psychotic slut” simply because they would prefer not to wrongly condemn their pal Ben . ESPN even chose not to run the story, at first, taking a silent bystander approach of support for Ben.

I get, to some degree, if sports culture wanted to fault on standing up for their own but their reaction to Erin Andrews shows me that is not the case. In case you don't know, Andrews is a sideline reporter for ESPN and recently someone has posted peeping tom videos of her on the internet. Andrews has been described as “the woman every man loves”, “THE sexy sideline reporter”, “sideline siren” and “America’s sexiest sportscaster” by not just fans but many media networks and outlets. As opposed to Ben, Andrews is shown support for how she looks rather than her on camera work and accomplishments as if that’s all that matters to sports culture. What’s worse is that many in sports culture have belittled the violation to Andrews or are proposing that women have no place on the sideline or sportscasting in the first place. Even a local sports talk show I have generally found respectable in these matters was discussing what other sexy sideline reporters they want to see in slimy videos or nude photos. I was not surprised one bit, however, when the other local sports talk show discussed how it is the fault of the networks for putting "sexy girls on the sidelines" and how this wouldn't have happened if Andrews was "homely".

Look, I'm an avid sports fan and usually stand up for the values that sports provide youth as well as the entertainment college or professional sports provide adults. There's a lot about sports that I don't like including the power and privilege we give to certain athletes, the money that's thrown around, and, among other things, the exploitation of young athletes for their physical talents over and above their intellect, character, or other talents. But it absolutely disgusts me when stories like these come out and sports fans, members of the sports media, and sports networks are quicker to feed and support misogyny as if it were intrinsic to sport rather than consider justice for the victims.

We would prefer to think that these, and incidents like them, are rare or some shadow side of sports culture rather than consider that sports culture is intrinsically misogynistic. But in order for us to believe otherwise, two things must happen: 1) incidents like these must decrease in sports; 2) more men need to speak out against the sexism and misogyny we see in sports culture. I am convinced that in order for (1) to happen we need to put more time and energy in (2). That is why I was grateful to find this article by Jim Williams of the Washington Examiner who not only supports Andrews but all women sports casters that are "subjected to ridicule and sexual innuendo despite, in most cases, being smarter and knowing more about sports than their male colleagues." Unfortunately, I have not seen many men in sports culture that are willing to put themselves out there not only to not judge McNulty but also to consider her side of the story apart from what they know of Ben’s on field accomplishments.

UPDATE: Two more male journalist speaking up & out about who's to blame and how these incidents are a show of men being men at their worst.

Is Rape Serious?

2009-04-30T09:01:00.004-05:00

A friend passed this article on to me and it really is a great piece about the seriousness of rape. Nicholas Kristof, author of the Op-ed, focuses on how our criminal justice system has deemed the crime of rape as trivial by leaving countless rape kits untested. He shares a story about a suspect that sexually assaults two more victims while the rape kit of his first victim remains unprocessed.

To many of us working in the field of Sexual Violence Prevention this story is all too familiar and we are very aware of how often these undetected rapists will strike again before being caught. Still, the statistics in this article struck me in the wake of the "Swine Flu" scare (less than 5,000 victims) which has recently been elevated to pandemic status despite the fact that influenza (aka, "the common flu") continues to infect more people (200,000 victims) and is responsible for more flu-related deaths. What catches my eye at the moment is how sexual violence, by comparison, is a far more wide spread problem in that there are nearly a million victims worldwide each year (including 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men in the United States), yet, it remains one of the lowest priorites to be dealt with as shown in Kristof's article.

When will we take rape seriously?

Another installment of a feel good story: "A Journal for Jordan"

2009-04-15T10:18:00.015-05:00

A friend recently told me the story behind this journal which was explained to me as a father to son version of "PS I love you" -- which I have no problem admitting that I actually liked the movie (even though I never read the book). I was immediately taken in by the fact that a parent, especially a father, had the foresight to write down everything that he wanted his child, in this instance a son, to know just in case he was not around to teach him.

What a daunting task! I recently have become a parent and can not even began to imagine all the things that I would want to write down in such a journal to make sure my son would know, just in case I'm not around to teach him. I also can not imagine how this father was able to write such a work of love under the pressure of war, where the harshest realities of life are continually on display.

I went to the local bookstore to read more and found that the book leans more towards telling the love story between the parents than advice giving between father and son. Many people on Amazon have given bad reviews because of this fact. But, I got to tell you that a father that professes a legacy of love for his partner might be leaving behind some of the best advice his son will ever receive. Sure, there are a lot practical things to teach a 2 year old before they become an adult. However, I am certain that the most practical thing for a young man to learn is how to treat women in his life with love, equality, admiration, and respect.

Without his father in his life to model these essential characteristics as an emotional coach, what more for his father to do then to write his personal journey to manhood in a journal to his son? We need more young men to learn these things and more fathers to mentor the young men in their lives about why loving and honoring women in their life is so important.

Feel good story of the day: The real hero was the man inside the costume

2009-03-25T12:47:00.004-05:00

Too often in doing this line of work I get bogged down by story after story that fit in my file entitled "Worst Stories Ever". Positive stories that promote healthy and safe visions of masculinity come few and far between. So I wanted to take advantage of a this feel good story when I had the chance despite the awful video retelling of the story on Rachel Maddow's Show.

There's so much I like about this story: a fireman having super hero costumes at the station to connect with kids on their level; this man's patience and emotional attunement to hear and meet this child's needs; and his recognition and insight that there was a connection between the child's risky behavior and the fear/anxiety the child was experiencing in separating from mom for a first day of school.

Wouldn't it be great if this sort of response was normative behavior by men and not just in their relationships with youth but also with men and women in their life as well (costume not included, unless you need it to act like that)?

Upcoming Events: April is SAAM

2009-03-17T09:31:00.012-05:00

In case you did not know, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM). MOCSA is taking part this year in the calendar events listed below but I wanted to highlight three as great ways men can be involved:

1) Sunday April 5th the Kansas City Wizards are playing host to the San Jose Earthquakes and will be honoring SAAM by having their players sign "Men As Allies" pledges as well as filming a YouTube about the pledge. For ticket infomation please visit the Kansas City Wizards online ticket office.

2) Saturday April 25th, Kansas City Free Health Clinic (KCFree) and Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc., are co-sponsoring a 3 on 3 basketball tournament and health fair at the Niles Home for Children called "Call the Shots". The tournament for youth 13-18 years old will run from 1-4pm. Food and prizes will be awarded to the winners! At the tournament, the Kansas City Free Health Clinic, Good Samaritan Project and the Kansas City Health Department will offer FREE STD and HIV TESTING to persons age 13+. Incentives will be offered to those who test.

3) Tuesday April 28th, MOCSA & the YWCA of Kansas City, KS, will be having their 2nd annual "Speaking Out: Empowerment Through The Spoken Word" poetry event at 7:30pm. Poetry is not for everyone, but I can tell you firsthand from taking in the event last year that there is something freeing and inspiring in hearing men and women speak out against sexual violence from the stories of their own life experience.

Other events on the MOCSA Calendar include the following:

Thursday April 2nd
2009 Crime Victim’s Rights Art Show
Johnson County Central Library, 4pm-6pm

Saturday April 4th
Create Your Own Reality: Free of Sexual Violence
Gifted Hands, Crown Center 6pm-9pm

Sunday April 5th
Wizards Game
Community America Ball Park 2pm-4pm

Tuesday April 7th
Take Back the Night
UMKC 6:30pm

Thursday April 16th
Community Festival
Harmon High School 6pm-7:30pm

Saturday April 18th
Health Fair
Paseo Baptist Church 10am-2pm

Saturday April 18th
Rock Out- Reach Out Benefit Concert
Crosstown Station 6pm – 11pm

Saturday April 18th
Walk a Mile in her Shoes
Liberty High School 8:30am

Saturday April 25th
KCFree 3 on 3 Basketball Tourney “Call the Shots”
Niles Home for Children 1pm-4pm

National Crime Victims Week
April 26th through May 2nd

Tuesday April 28th
Speak Out: Empowerment through Spoken Word
YWCA of Greater KC 7pm-9:30pm

Thursday, April 30th
Women’s Political Caucus Discussion
The Writer’s Place 7pm

Please come out and join us in any and all of these events as we step up and speak out against sexual violence in the Kansas City community.

"What would you do?"

2009-01-23T11:12:00.005-06:00

ABC's Primetime has recently decided to play mad scientist by attempting to cross reality TV with social experimentation (throwing in a little “candid camera” and possibly “Punk’d”) in order to ask the age old question of staged situations, “What would you do?”

If you click the link, you can view the video of a man putting something into, presumably, his date’s drink and watch the reactions of two sets of couples (a couple of friends and a husband/wife couple). According the comments section on Jezebel’s website, this staged situation has caused quite a stir and rightfully so, as the reactions of ‘innocent bystanders’ leaves a lot to desired.

My favorite comment, by far:
“Ugh. I hate this show…These shows seem to set out to prove that the world is full of assholes when in reality it’s only about 60% assholes.”

Six of 10 of us being assholes is still a huge problem if you ask me. The more pressing concern I have in the “What would you do?” videos is that neither of the three men (two friends or the husband) respond pro-socially to the situation.

There are several things I want to ask them as well as the two actors of how they interpret these inactive bystanders’ behaviors. Do the male bystanders believe its ‘someone else’s problem’, ‘not a problem’, or simply fail to act because they are unsure how to help? Does the actor playing the perp feel emboldened in his role by the way the first two ally themselves with him? Was it easier to thwart the confrontation of the wife because the husband was not doing anything? What’s going through the actress’s mind in the way the first two guys respond? Was she surprised that the husband never said or did anything considering how outspoken his wife was?

Unfortunately, I think we can rule out any optimism with the first two guys as they not only do not see it as a problem, they actually support the potential perpetrator (“asshole”). Maybe if there was one more man that was present that raised concern they might have acted differently. I would like to have seen how they would have responded but it appears that they were in “save face among other men” mode -- a common, albeit ignorant, response by men abiding by the rules of homosociality (the idea of revering men above women in any given situation). There’s also the high likelihood that they were assholes themselves as their behaviors were basically cheering on the perp.

What could be said of the husband? His wife was actually speaks out, however, instead of supporting her he has a dismissive look of his face as if to say “what are you thinking?” “Why would you involve us with her lot?” “Oh no, here we go again…” He smiles and appears relieved when he finds out it was all part of a show, but it comes off as lackluster and very disappointing for he neither supports his wife or the victim.

These scenarios obviously bring up issues of bystander effect, group inhibition, and diffusion of responsibility but there’s also something going on here with men, in particular, that needs to be questioned. Several studies have shown that women are more likely to intervene as bystanders than men no matter the victim or the situation. What’s going on in men that, put in situations like this, we don’t perform bravely? Rather, we choose to not see it as dangerous nor take any personal responsibility? What do these men gain in not intervening? Would they have responded differently if they were at the bar alone, or if other men at the bar had expressed concern about the situation? What would you have liked to seen these men do in response?

What would you have done?

3 videos, 3 questions

2008-11-21T15:31:00.004-06:00

1) How does gender stereotypes portrayed in all the media forms (TV, magazine, music, video games, movies, etc) from child- to adult-hood affect you?

2) Is it unfair to connect these three videos to a hidden agenda of media culture not only in pointing towards the trend of child exploitation for future product consumption but also the messages they are selling to get our "buy-in" to these characterizations of femininity and masculinity for the purpose of relational power and control, misogyny, and misandry?

3) How do we break free of these to promote healthier and safer ads for future generations?

Walk A Mile In Her Shoes

2008-10-03T10:22:00.003-05:00

Being mindful of the daily experience of many women in this country as the overwhelming majority of victims of sexual harassment and sexual assault is not an easy task while walking uncomfortably in high heels across a college campus. This, however, was the challenge several men took on during UMKC’s second annual “Walk A Mile In Her Shoes” march. Of course men in high heels is an awkward sight, but on this day it was an opportunity for men, including myself, to get a better understanding and appreciation of women’s experience as well to provide a greater perspective by broadening our awareness. It was a march of solidarity as men came together to show their willingness to support those affected by and those that take a stand against sexual violence.

In my personal experience with this march, I found friends and family members curious but also quick to poke fun due to the uncomfortable topic (sexual violence) as well as the idea of participating by donning a pair of heels themselves. Frankly, I’m not surprised by their reactions as society, in general, are embarrassed by men taking on feminine stereotypes and would prefer to keep the issues of sexual harassment and sexual violence hidden and voiceless. Even among families and friends there is space to discuss the economic crisis, the presidential race, the energy crisis, or the United States foreign policy. But many would prefer to pay lip service or simply brush under the carpet issues dealing with race, poverty, violence and sexual violence.

The opportunity to take part in this march did provide me with the courage to probe deeper with friends and family in discussing how we can improve gender relations and decrease potential violence in our community. Several of these conversations led to places that I never imagined – both good and bad – but all led to greater understanding of the importance of ending sexual violence in our community and our role, as men, in that struggle. I’m hopeful that this was the experience of many of the participants of UMKC’s march as well as those that participate in the over 1000 other “Walk A Mile In Her Shoes” across the country.

David Belt
Man Up! Program Coordinator

Upcoming Event: Walk a Mile in Her Shoes

2008-08-28T14:43:00.006-05:00

Men: Are you interested in taking a small step in becoming an active bystander? Want to show women and other men how you walk the walk as an ally in the struggle to end sexual violence? Ever wonder what it's like to wear heels? Do I have the event for you...Come join us at UMKC for the annual Walk A Mile In Her Shoes event on Thursday September 25th at 4pm. For more information about the event, please proceed to UMKC's Women Center...

Needed: Active Male Bystanders

2008-08-05T13:45:00.016-05:00

The web can be a wonderful resource to get a read on how our society views a variety of issues. Recently, while searching YouTube for PSAs on sexual violence I came across this video of a man reflecting on his personal experience of witnessing a friend at a party in the process of an attempted rape and how he responded. I recommend watching it even though it is a bit long and drawn out.

Whether this guy's story is true or not matters little to me in comparison to what this video does for men as it calls into question our responsibility towards victims in situations even when a friend is a perpetrator. This man might not think of his friend in those terms -- even though he does call "the girl" a victim -- but, regardless, he intervened because he felt he needed to.

I do not advocate violence but I am happy to hear some men feel this strongly about sexual violence and choose to involve themselves as an active bystander rather than remain silent for "his boy". Silence is NOT golden in these situations. If you read the comment section on YouTube following the video, there are several survivors reporting they wished a man like him was actively present when they were victims of rape. Our world needs more men that are willing to take responsibility and intervene with the sexism, harassment, or sexual violence of their peers.

What do you think? If you are a guy, put yourself in his shoes at that party and consider how you would respond? How will you respond the next time you hear or witness friends making sexist remarks about others, behaving disrespectfully or attempting to take advantage of someone under the influence?

Why are men so violent?

2008-05-23T12:55:00.004-05:00

I have been engaging in an ongoing conversation with a friend about violence and men and he flat out asked, “Why are men so violent?” The question became a springboard for a greater dialogue with my friend and others and I thought it would be an interesting post to our Blog. So, with his permission, we are putting this question out here and creating space for some open dialogue. We would be interested in hearing what you think or how you would respond to such a question and ask that you would participate in our dialogue by posting in the comments section.

If you think this is an unfair question, consider a small sample of the overwhelming stats that validate the need to ask this question…

*Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives, according to a 1998 Commonwealth Fund survey.[The Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman’s Lifespan: 1998 Survey of Women’s Health, May 1999]

*99.8% of the people in prison convicted of rape are men.
[National Crime Statistics]

*The majority of victims of men's violence are other men (76% Males, 24% Females).
[U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justic Statistics]

*Forty percent of girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.[Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, December 1995]

*A nationwide survey found male students more likely to have been involved in a physical fight than female students in the 12 months preceding the survey.[http://www.4woman.gov/mens/violence/]

*In 2003 men 15-19 years of age were more than four times as likely to die from suicides as girls their same age.
[http://www.4woman.gov/mens/violence]

*Of all the homicides reported in the 18 to 24 age group in 2004, 86 percent of the victims were males.[http://www.4woman.gov/mens/violence]

It begs the question, "Why are men so violent?"

Because you're not that guy...

2008-02-29T09:52:00.010-06:00

Have you seen these commercials?

The number of gender-limiting messages we receive through commercials on a daily basis is mind-blowing. Obviously, commercials are meant to tell us to think a certain way in order to persuade us to buy a product, but when we allow it to shape our mindsets, attitudes, and behaviors it can be really dangerous. You might disagree with me or think that I have over-analyzed this commercial, but I think the limited emotional ability of men this commercial presents is absolutely destructive to masculinity and femininity and relationships.

I would invite you to view it again and really consider what messages are being covertly sent about "that guy" and "regular guys" and what it is saying, in general, about what it means to be in healthy relationships.

I would also invite you to consider the following questions: Is there really something wrong about being "that guy"? Is he any less of a man for painting her nails? What's wrong with being that genuinely in-tune with your partner? Is it really necessary to call out that guy's masculinity because he chooses to invest time in becoming more intimately known with what his partner really desires rather than merely investing money in a materialistic gift? What kind of message does this send to young men and boys about the “acceptable” way to act? Which guy do you prefer "that guy" or the "the regular guy"? Do we have to be only one or the other?

David Belt
Man Up! Coordinator

Fathers, Husbands, Brothers, and Sons – “ManUp!” needs you!

2008-02-19T15:14:00.005-06:00

If you have a Mother, a Wife, a Daughter, and a Sister– chances are you know someone VERY intimately who has been sexually assaulted or will be in their lifetime.

Statistics show that 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Think about that for a minute….how would you react if you found out your Mom or your Wife or you Sister or even your own Daughter for God’s sake were assaulted sexually?!

Often times, what men do when they hear that someone close to them has been sexually molested is figure out a way to go find the perpetrator who was responsible and kick his ass. I know, because that’s exactly what I wanted to do when I found out someone close to me had been molested and the perpetrator was my very own brother! I spent one solid day trying to figure out where my brother was after he admitted to his assaults – so I could transport myself to wherever he was and physically beat him to a pulp! My brain was dominated by revenge and little else. I call this the rage and revenge response.

Another way men react when they hear someone close to them has been sexually assaulted is to shake their heads, drop their eyes to the floor, and think “what a damn shame!”, “what a freak”, etc. For lack of a better label, I will call this the “disgust and disassociate” reaction.

The problem with this reaction is two-fold. First – it’s a misconception to think that men who sexually assault women and other men are “bogey men jumping out from behind bushes late at night”. Most men who perpetrate such crimes come right from the general fabric or our society. And most times, the perpetrators of such crimes are men the victim knows extremely well already – a family friend, a trusted coach, a confident of some sort, counselor, neighbor, etc. Secondly – by shaking our heads, staring at floors, and thinking “what a shame”, Men absolve themselves into thinking sexual assault is isolated freak-show behavior. And sexual assault is NOT isolated, it happens to 1 in 4 women, and it happens by someone who’s generally already in a relationship of some sort. The laundry list of perpetrators could read like a who’s who of various professions coming from a wide array of socio-economic backgrounds, etc.

What’s missing in these two over-riding reactions (rage/revenge and disgust/disassociate) from men about sexual assault is accountability. We tend to think of sexual assault as a women’s issue instead of what it is – a MAN’S issue. Men are the perpetrators of sexual assault 97% of the time in America. Yet, so many of the “good guys” who are disturbed by sexual assault sit on the sidelines and continue to display the same two reactions over and over – rage/revenge or disgust/disassociate. I would submit to you the only way we can decrease the chances that one of our loved ones will be assaulted is to start having some serious guy to guy talk. More appropriately – some man to man talk about sexual assault, about healthy relationships, about boundaries, date rape, drug and alcohol facilitated rape, etc. We need to be real with each other about why “going for that extra base” to put sex into a baseball analogy is so dangerous, so unhealthy and can lead to a sexual assault more times than not.

And if you think you don’t intimately know any woman close to you who’s been a victim, here’s something else to consider…..even if your Mom/Wife/Sister/Daughter has been abused sexually, there’s a great chance they haven’t told many people, including YOU about it for a variety of reasons. One – they might fear you would respond the same way I did when I found out my brother was a rapist, intent on physical revenge. Second – they might feel a very twisted sense of responsibility which if you actually spend time investigating this issue you would know is complete B.S.! Lastly – the victim might feel like it would damage how YOU would feel about them in some way. Somehow, someway – you might actually place some misguided blame their way. Worse yet, the victim might feel you would label them "tainted" by the sexual assault and create some distance in your relationship with them.

If you have four women in your life who you love, it’s time to take up for them and no longer sit idle. 1 in 4 is a crisis on par with any bad thing you can think of happening to a loved one whether it be cancer or drunk driving. I encourage more men to get involved in ManUp! Please come forward and help us to start pushing the statistics back the other way, it’s time to get real with each other about what the phrase “be a man” actually means.

Matt Sharples
Man Up! Committee Board Member

Pink Power

2008-01-04T14:54:00.001-06:00

I was at Target the other day returning a shirt that didn’t fit and noticed an entire rack of pink button downs in the Men’s Wear section. It reminded me of a story that I recently read about a group of male high school students that bullied and sexually harassed another male student solely for wearing a pink shirt. What was newsworthy about this incident were the responses of two senior class boys and the use of pink shirts as a part of a creative campaign ("Sea of Pink") against bullying and sexual harassment. They rallied other students to wear pink and used this “feminized” color as a unifying element to show their solidarity against the bullies.

What really struck me about their campaign was that it didn’t appear they knew the victim of the incident but they still felt the need to actively respond in a show of support and encourage their friends to do the same by wearing pink shirts the next school day. It is so encouraging to read about how people, especially young men, are speaking out and taking a stand against sexual harassment and bullying. It is equally powerful to share that their activism proved to make a difference in the victim’s life and their corporate disdain put the bullies on notice that such inappropriate behavior would no longer be socially acceptable. Their story has also inspired me to purchase a pink shirt and share their activism with others as a way to honor how these bystanders made a difference.

I'm curious what effect this story will have on you. Will you look at men wearing pink shirts differently? If you are a man, will you consider wearing pink and share this story with your friends? Or given the opportunity as a bystander, will you speak out and take a stand against sexism, violence, and sexual violence?

David Belt
Man Up! Coordinator

Football, Women, and “Cat Calls”

2007-12-04T17:04:00.001-06:00

My girlfriend went to a Kansas City Chiefs football game a few weeks ago. She loves going to the games and seeing all the people dressed in Chief’s red, experiencing the love and passion this town has for its football team.

On this particular day, she decided to bring her kids. She has three - two boys (14 and 12) and a girl (9). She has recently divorced and was longing to partake in some more “family bonding time”. She looked forward to showing her kids how much fun a game could be at Arrowhead Stadium, with all the tailgating and camaraderie.

Now, I’ll preface this with – my girlfriend is very attractive. She’s outwardly a person most would notice. Secondly, like most women, my girlfriend believes that women need to be very “careful” about the clothing one chooses to wear in certain situations. She holds onto the popular and much believed myth that if a woman wears certain things – she is communicating a desire to be approached or looked at…gawked at even. So on this day, she purposely wore a turtle neck top and jeans. She dressed conservative for a reason. She went to the game with a girl-friend of hers and her son. This other gal is also an outwardly attractive gal.

The day was supposed to be fun. It was a day she invested in her kids – bought tickets from a friend, paid for parking, food, drinks, etc. And if you go to games, you know this is not a small investment for most. The cost was over $300 for sure on this particular day. For her – it was worth every penny to have some bonding time with her kids and watch her beloved Chiefs.

After they parked their car, the six of them made their way to the stadium through the various Chief’s tailgaters. Both gals, even as they walked hand-in-hand with their young children became aware that with each passing tailgate, they were being gawked at. Starred at in a way that was evident they were being looked at for their various parts more than anything else. As they got closer to Arrowhead, a few different men decided to make comments. “You are a MILF!” one person shouted. “Man – look at those….very nice!” another man would comment as they passed his tailgate, “…show ‘em!” another person shouted at them from a distance.

My girlfriend’s mood changed. Her kids looked at her as if she had done something wrong. She kept walking….up to the Arrowhead entrance. Once in, the various comments got even more forward. Men who would pass by and look directly at their breasts saying things like “wow”, “what are you doing after the game”, “I could get lost in those!” My girlfriend was walking with her head down now, trying not to make eye-contact with anyone who passed by. As they all arrived at their seats, there was a fairly large contingent of men sitting directly in front of them who all immediately took notice and decided it was okay to chime in as well. They looked back and starred – saying in full volume “what a MILF!” “THOSE are tremendous”, “nice cans!” Thorough the game, one or more of them would turn around and stare at my girlfriend and her friend. Looking at each of them up and down – as if they were on display.The comments got more forward and crude as the game ensued …and the more alcohol was consumed.

The kid’s eyes told my girlfriend all she needed to know. The day was ruined. It was going to be a day off one verbal sexual comment (assault) after the next. A day where her kids looked at her, fully knowing what the term “MILF” meant and wonder…why did she bring them to the game? My girlfriend felt awful – she felt like she should have known better – taking the blame for thinking a Chiefs game would be a good “family event”. She grabbed her 9-year old daughter and put her on her lap, to try and further hide her breasts from any onlookers. It wasn’t fun, the day was a disaster. More comments would come and even a few propositions – even as her children flanked both her sides.

The term MILF comes from the movie “American Pie” and if you’re not familiar with it - it means MOM I’D LIKE to F***. The term seems to have made its way into an acceptable slang term – replacing terms like “Fox”, etc.

Guys – when exactly did this behavior become okay? Why is it that attending pro football games is now a pass for saying whatever you want and treating pretty women with super-sized masculine and abusive acts? How would you feel if someone walked directly up to your Mom and said they’d like to fuck her? What if someone did that to your daughter? Your Sister, Cousin, Grandmother, Girlfriend, Wife? How would that make you feel? When did it become okay to stare women’s breasts and then make comments about them for all to hear? When did “show your ....” become an acceptable chant? Why is it funny to say such ludicrous things even if it’s in jest? Why would you let your buddy do this even if you don’t engage in this kind of over-zealous masculine chest-thumping yourself? Why is this behavior becoming standardized for pro football venues? And if you think I’m over-reacting, consider this article…"Halftime Ritual" from the New York Times.

It’s time for good guys to take a true stand and make this kind of behavior “not cool”. Drunk or not, people need to understand how damaging this kind of behavior is. We also need to wake up and see how prevalent this kind of activity is – this is just one example, I have heard hundreds more and it makes me sick. Is it too much to ask that we don’t start taking the kinds of things we see on television and start normalizing them into our society? Is it too much to ask that an attractive gal could go to a Chiefs game and not be assaulted with one crude comment after the next – WITH HER KIDS NO LESS?!

Come on guys – wake the f*** up!

Matt Sharples

The Big “Pictionary”: One Female’s Perspective

2007-11-15T10:56:00.000-06:00

When I think about what I want to say in a blog designed to get men active in the fight to end sexual violence, I find myself stumped. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I don’t know how to say it.

So, let me start with this: I have been blessed to have had some wonderful men in my life- kind, caring, generous, good fathers, husbands and friends. Men who would never dream of “taking advantage” of a woman or girl, just because the opportunity arises. Men who think rape is despicable and who would never physically harm a woman or girl. These men offer their female friend or acquaintance a ride home or a place to sleep if she’s had a bit too much to drink. They do this NOT to “get some”, but to actually make sure she is safe for the night.

So, what’s the problem? The problem is that these men live in a world filled with excuses to objectify, degrade, make fun of, think less of, not take seriously….the women they exist with. They live in a world were this type of thinking is rewarded, and if they want to thrive in the world they live in (or so it may seem) they are to encourage, applaud, laugh, or at the very least just stay silent.

Let me give an example. I have several friends who are men. I’ve known them for years. We play co-ed sports together, we socialize, celebrate birthdays, have bar-be-ques, etc. I would consider these guys, in general, good guys, but often find myself picking my battles around some of them when it comes to their sexist jokes and derogatory or sexual comments about other women (most frequently having to do with her appearance).

One evening a female friend of ours hosted a bar-be-que at her condo. There were about 25 people there, five or six of whom were female, the rest of the group was made up men, a few of which were my friends and the rest were friends of friends. As the night progressed the group decided to play Pictionary, which was fun for awhile until one of the guys, who was actually a friend of mine, decided to draw a picture of what turned out to be a “donkey punch”. There was an immediate roar of laughter and energy from the crowd when the guys figured out what he was drawing. Like some of you reading this, I had never heard of a donkey punch. Apparently, this sexual act, which these guys (some my friends) were so excited about, is a very violent and degrading act. It involves punching a woman in the back of her head to make her pass out in order to increase the climax for him.

From this point on, the guys were practically fighting to take their turn at the drawing board, to illustrate other “funny” sex acts that were listed in a recent Maxim magazine. These acts involved urinating on a woman, putting feces on her face…and the list goes on.

This was the first time I have ever felt unsafe around men who were supposed to be my friends. I turned to one of them, whom I was most disappointed that he was laughing, and his response to me was “come on, Nicole, you don’t think I’d ever do any of these things”. My response was “How would I know by the way you’re laughing?” I asked him if he could guarantee me the rest of these men wouldn’t do such things. He didn’t respond. I mean if they are so excited about these images and are encouraging it to continue, how do I know that these men aren’t violent towards the women they are with? If they could be this disrespectful to women, in the presence of women, in the HOME of a woman, how do I know they won’t act on it?

When I started to say anything to the group, then I was just “that girl” who can’t take a joke, who needs to relax. Not ONE man acknowledged that this was, at the very least, disrespectful to the women in the room. The women who are supposed to be their friends.

I was afraid of the energy in the room. I was afraid because I knew that I was out numbered, that every woman in the room was out numbered by 4 to 1. I was afraid of my friends and, even more so, their friends.

And then I was PISSED that I had to feel this way at all. I WAS WITH FRIENDS! People who are supposed to take care of each other. People who you are supposed to feel the safest with.

I was pissed because that’s when I realized just how easy it is for sexual assaults to happen. It’s because of attitudes like these that cheer on sexual violence as a joke. It’s because the draw to join in on this “bonding” experience was apparently too strong for any of the men in the room to resist. I was scared and pissed because if one or more of these men decided to find a way to get one of the females, myself included, isolated and rape her, then she would be deemed at fault. “She should have known it wasn’t safe.”, “What did she have that many guys in her house for?”, “Why would she go to a party with mostly guys?”, “She drank some alcohol that night” “She put herself in that situation”.

And then I got sad. Luckily, these men did not sexually assault anyone at this party…but they did successfully reduce the women in the room to an inanimate object that they could fashion to look like and endure whatever they wanted on the pages of the Pictionary board. They did successfully instill fear, distrust and a loss of respect for the very men that I called friends.

I got sad because the voices of the women in the room were silenced. The voices of the women were silenced so much so that I saw at least one laughing right along. I was the only one trying to speak out, and I was dismissed.

I was sad because I know some of these men left to go out and proceed to sexually harass every woman who happened to cross their path. They did it just because they can and because there’s a social reward for doing so. I know. I witness it first hand just about every day.

I was sad because, though I believe my friends and most of the other men would not do these things they were illustrating, I knew that more than likely there were men in the room who just might if they had the chance. They just might, and now they have the support and encouragement from my friends to do so.

I was sad for the loss of respect I previously had for these men and for the loss of perceived respect I thought they had for me. In writing this blog, I realize that I have since never attempted to bring this up to the two men I was closest to. I imagine if I talked to them one on one, outside of the power of the group, that they would listen and possibly rethink their behavior. I guess, because no one seemed to care that night, I never thought to try.

I continue to have men in my life who I admire. Men who do speak up, who don’t join in when other men are degrading or objectifying women. Men who understand the stake they have in challenging these attitudes and behaviors. Like me, they sometimes have to choose their battles, but they know that they have the power to do something. They can remove the social reward for these things and make respect for women and each other the new norm. The bottom line is that I should NOT have to assume that I’m not safe with my friends, just because they are men! That’s not okay for my sake or for the sake of the men I care about…The men who Man Up!

Man Up! is asking men to take action, to remove the social reward for degrading, harassing and objectifying women.

Nicole Littler
MOCSA Director of Community Services & Evaluation

Don’t blame it on her clothes!

2007-11-13T11:54:00.000-06:00

I was at lunch today with a long time friend and the conversation turned to my blog about the girl who was raped by her former boyfriend. (Please reference my previous entry for the story). My friend commented that his niece was date raped, sexually assaulted by a boy whom she was ‘group dating.’ They began their relationship by hanging out together with a group of friends and when they went on a solo date, ended up at his place and that was when things went wrong. There was no alcohol involved and it was a casual friendship up to this point. He took her to his apartment to see ‘his place’ and when they arrived her boyfriend sexually assaulted her. It was a sad story and because of it, his niece and her family still struggle with the life changing incident.

My friend said something in his story that I was shocked to hear. He said that in seeking spiritual guidance and reflecting on the incident, the minister suggested that maybe his niece was to blame. Maybe it was her attire or maybe the fact that she went to his apartment was the ‘unsaid’ agreement that she wanted sex.

I was flabbergasted by this comment and even more appalled that the myth exists that what a woman wears or the fact that she visits a man in his home is an agreement that she wants sex.

Let me digress but on point. In reflecting more on this misconception, I thought back on a previous event where I attended a Kenny Chesney concert. Behind me and my group of adult couple friends sat a mixed group of high school kids. The girls wore cowboy boots and short jean shorts or skirts. Yes I think they were short and even someone commented that extra material should be added to their skirt/shorts but if I were to ask the young women if they were inviting sex by what they wore, I know their responses would have been "no". They were trying to look fashionable, cool and they were having a fun time. That is why they were there. That is why they wore what they wore. So the notion that what a girl wears invites assault, invites rape, is twisted thinking. It places the blame exactly where it does not belong. The man rapes. What girls wear may show their attributes but it does not invite sex without consent.

The fact that spiritual counselors, adults, knowing people, try to place the blame on the assaulted and what they wear is wrong. Or to suggest that visiting a man in his home is an invitation to have sex is thinking out of the dark ages.

Men need to man-up for their actions. We need to tune-in that sex without consent is absolutely wrong. If some want to blame the provocative clothing then take on the fashion industry, take on Hollywood, but don’t blame the kids. The girls at the concert could have been in their underwear and though I’d give them the shirt off my back to cover them up, I’d say not one of them wants to be raped.

-Ken Mellard

Bystanders Must Stop Rapists

2007-10-30T14:44:00.000-05:00

I listened today as a mother described her daughter's rape. She began by relating how her daughter got into a troubling relationship with a boy as an early teen, how her daughter was abused by the boyfriend, physically and verbally, how her daughter broke off the relationship, how her daughter dated a new guy who then became her boyfriend, how, when the new boyfriend broke it off, the old boyfriend lured her daughter to his home to 'help sort it out' and when she arrived the old boyfriend raped her while a friend of his watched.

As I listened to the account I felt my anguish grow for the girl, her parents, her brother and sister, and her friends. So too did my disgust grow for the rapist, the deviant, perverted rapist. But the boy I loathed most was the boy who watched and did nothing. He is the one I can't figure out. A rapist ends up in the penitentiary but what happens to the guy who hides and watches? Why do I despise this coward so much?

In a moment of self reflection I wonder if there is a piece of him in me. Like when I've turned a blind eye to the sexual antics of my male companions or when I’ve let slide the derogatory word or comment about women. When I’ve passed-on an email that degrades women to the point of being objects of sex and not human beings. When we, males, laugh and wink when a guy at a bar explains that he intends to get a woman drunk so he can have sex with her. These are all moments of weakness committed by the ‘innocent’ male bystander.

I do know that I loathed that young man because he did not have the guts to stand up and stop the rapist. It seems we, men, too often stand by with our hands in our pockets knowing that something might happen or does happen but our code says we shouldn’t say anything. Our code says we should laugh or worst case, we watch. We pat each other on the back while a guy's sister, another father's daughter, a mother's child becomes a victim of the big guy, the rapist, the man men don’t stand up to.

I felt the anguish of the mother today. I could see the hug she received from her daughter who once was a victim but who today has rebuilt, and constructed a new life. I also felt my anger toward the rapist and his buddy the onlooker, the ‘innocent’ bystander, the observer who did nothing. Was he a victim also? That guy needs to find his voice. He needs to stand. He needs to man-up as they say in sports and protect his corner of the world. We all need to man-up against men who rape.

I found in her story today another definition of heaven. Heaven would be knowing that a mother and a father never again have to relate a story like that about their child.

What can we do to stop the men who rape?

Ken Mellard

Attendee at the MOCSA Johnson County Fall Luncheon

The "B" word

2007-09-28T13:28:00.000-05:00

Recently, I have been following the Isiah Thomas case in large part because I found myself fired up about what one ESPN radio host (Mike Tirico) said earlier this month about how “we all need to get over our sensitivities and deal with the fact that EVERY woman has been called a ‘bitch’ and it’s just a fact of life”. The host went on to explain how this word is not sexually harassing and that it is no more offensive to a woman than calling a man an “asshole”. Apparently, through this rant he was attempting to show his support of Thomas, who is being sued for sexual harassment, and much of the case has been made over Thomas’ verbal abuse of former Knicks' vice president, Anucha Brown Sanders. During his testimony in the case, Thomas reported that if he had overheard one of the white management calling a black woman a bitch it would have violated his code of conduct. But when asked how he would feel if a black man said it to a black woman he reported it would not bother him as much because he makes "a distinction" between the two.

I think it is interesting that he brings up race because in some senses he is putting the "B" word in its suitable context: calling a woman a bitch is more similar to making a racist comment than calling a man an “asshole”. Bitch is a dehumanizing term much like all racist comments and because one is comparing a woman to a female dog that is, in fact, making a sexist comment which by default is sexual harassment. I think the difficulty Tirico as well as Thomas (and most men, in general) have with understanding the harm of the word "bitch" is that we don’t realize that such terms fit into a larger context of attitudes, assumptions, behaviors, and beliefs that both support male dominance as well as what socially constructs the foundations of rape culture.

What do you think? Please vote in our poll on the right of the page and/or share a comment.

Who’s the real “Vick”tim?

2007-09-13T15:45:00.000-05:00

There has been a lot of debate recently surrounding the Michael Vick story about his dog abuse, but very little of it has centered around the fact that often there are athletes beat, abuse, assault, and sometimes kill the women in their lives. More so, the consequences for these actions pale in comparison to what Vick will be sentenced to for his dog-fighting business.

Now hear me out, I'm not condoning Vick's behavior but I am calling to attention the fact that there are several professional, college, and probably high school athletes that are brutalizing women in their lives and are not being punished as severely. One recent article entitled "Beat a Woman? Play on; Beat a dog? You're gone." by Jennifer Korbin writer for womennews.org discusses the fact there have been many male athletes that have abused women in their lives and received nothing more than a proverbial slap on the wrist.

Which makes me wonder why we are so enraged that Vick beat and killed dogs all the while “looking the other way” when many more athletes harm women in their lives? How can we throw the book at Vick when some estimate that with the loss in salary for his suspension from NFL this year, Vick stands to lose over $100 million dollars and, yet, a domestic violence issue with NBA’s Ron Artest, amounted to him paying a mere $600 and a two game suspension? What is the message we are sending to the millions of youth that look up to professional athletes? Is it that women are valued less than dogs?

I’m reminded of some area college athletes who have abused women in their lives and how their Athletic Departments have overlooked their “indiscretions”. I could name several, but the one that really sticks out in my mind is the story of Lawrence Phillips, former Nebraska football player that was a standout running back during one of Hall of Fame Head Coach Tom Osborne’s final seasons. You can look up Phillips stats but basically he was well on the way toward being an All-American by his sophomore year and was in the running for the Heisman Trophy. Two weeks into his junior year, however, he got into an argument with his girl friend and the argument escalated with him physically assaulting her by dragging her down a stairwell by her hair. For this assault, Phillips received a mere two game suspension. His girlfriend was on scholarship to play basketball for Nebraska, she lost her scholarship during this period, and left Nebraska as she feared for her safety.

Coach Osborne and Nebraska’s Athletic Department took much scrutiny for the lackluster punishment. When asked about it, Coach justified his actions by reportedly saying that Phillips was better off with the team than without it. One press person took the questioning another step and asked Osborne if he would have reinstated Phillips had the Heisman Trophy contender beat up Osborne's daughter (for more on this story click here). In response, Osborne initially balked but later answered 'yes,' he would have allowed Phillips to play even if Lawrence had assaulted Osborne’s own daughter. Not the type of response one would expect from a man who formerly served as a congressman for the state of Nebraska.

Unfortunately, there are more stories like this one than like Vick’s out there and it is disturbing to consider how this affects women as well as the young athletes that worship these abusing, idolized, professionals. It is not the difference in fines and suspensions that I find as alarming as it is the attitudes within sports culture and by their fans that silently condone these violent behaviors toward women. With these attitudes they are not only implying that talent outweighs character, but also inconceivably suggesting that violence towards animals outweighs women "vick"tims of crime.

~David Belt

How far we've come — How far to go

2007-08-25T21:34:00.000-05:00

There's a new television drama out this summer. It's called MAD MEN. It's about the world of Madison Avenue in the 1960's. Being in advertising, the buzz about the show started early. I was reading about it in Ad Age and AdWeek months before its debut. And while I was very interested in the subject matter — Advertising — I didn't expect to be captivated by the show.

I am.

The story line follows the lives of a number of people in 1960 New York. The advertising stories are interesting, but the most fascinating aspect of the show is the attention to detail the director has show toward the period. The 1960 office environment was significantly different than today's workplace. I had heard stories of this type of behavior, but had never really experienced it.

In the show, women are treated as supplicants. They exist to serve their husbands and/or bosses (not managers, bosses). They are treated as sexual objects, existing to serve the men in their lives, to bear children and to take care of the household. Sexual comments abound at the office, as does smoking and drinking during business hours.

I entered the world of advertising in 1982, close to the end of the three-martini lunch and overt sexual comments. The world was rapidly moving toward political correctness, sexual harassment awareness was coming into vogue and drinking and driving was becoming taboo.

Having missed the 60's and 70's advertising world, I decided to ask some older friends what it was like to work during those years.

I first asked Jim, a former creative director I worked with at a previous agency. He laughed when I asked the question, "What was the sexual environment like in the agency business in the 1960's?"

Jim said, "Oh, it was wild. When clients came to town they expected us to have women join us for dinner. Sometimes it was our secretaries. Other times they were call girls. We just put it on our expense reports as entertainment."

I found myself at lunch a few days later with my friend, Landa. She began in the agency business in the 60's and had been watching MAD MEN for a couple of weeks. When I asked her if the office environment was really like what the show depicts, she said, "Oh honey, it was much worse than that. On my first day, one of the men in the office came up to me and asked, 'Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job?' I said, 'No.' He responded, 'Want to go to lunch?'"

We have come a long way since 1960. But we still have a long way to go. The attitudes men have toward women have been around for centuries, and while many men have come to understand the importance of seeing women as equal in both personal and professional endeavors, many more men continue to perpetuate the myth that women are somehow less than men.

Man Up! is dedicated to helping men come to understand the long-term effects unintentional comments and actions have on women. It is our goal to help men understand that being silent when other men make inappropriate comments does nothing to stem the tide of sexual degradation that women feel every day.

MAD MEN gives us a glimpse of where we were 47 years ago. But it also makes me wonder how far we have really come.

Sam Meers
MOCSA Board Member
Member of the Man Up! committee

Rape is not “gray”

2007-08-24T16:39:00.000-05:00

I recently told the staff coordinator for our Men Against Sexual Violence program that I would do a blog entry. I have been Executive Director at MOCSA for over 20 years, my career has been devoted to helping victims of violence, and I have a husband and a 25-year-old son whose values I admire.

I should have lots to say….and I do. I’m just a little boggled by all that’s evolved in recent years, and I’m not sure of the right message. There has always been the issue of “he said, she said”, but now a crime victim is called “the accuser”. The job of law enforcement is to establish that a crime has occurred, thus establishing victim status, but that doesn’t seem to make a difference when rape is the crime. There are judges who refuse to have the word rape used in the courtroom, despite the fact that an indictment has preceded the trial.

The September Cosmopolitan, has an article that coins the term “gray rape,” but proceeds to describe instances where the victim clearly said no. In one instance, the woman described how she had invited a friend to be her “platonic date” to a sorority function. Following that, they made out, but she said sex was off limits. He proceeded to force sex, and she said no. However, she blamed herself for not saying no forcefully enough.

What we at MOCSA and everyone who deals with sexual assault knows, is that victims blame themselves. Even if a stranger jumps out of the bushes, a victim will question whether she should have been walking in that area, whether she should have fought harder, etc., etc. We don’t need popular magazines coining phrases that discount victims or their experience.

Rape is not “gray”. Rape has devastating and long-term effects. Lives are changed. Clinical depression, suicide ideation and attempts, and coping through alcohol and substance use are just a few of the effects. One study revealed that 60% of marriages or long-term relationships ended within a year of a rape.

I applaud the men who are associated with MOCSA and similar organizations for committing to address this issue. It is a difficult issue, and I know of some who questioned and felt badly about actions that they were involved with earlier in their lives.

What I think about for these men is how we help victims. It is important to move beyond denial, acknowledge and grieve the violation, and regain a healthy and empowered approach to living.

The men who volunteer for MOCSA’s Man Up! committee have committed to reaching out to boys, young men and their peers to promote respect and positive communication. Typically, they are fathers of both boys and girls and recognize the importance of developing healthy relationships based on trust and mutual respect. This is clearly what our society needs.

-Palle M. Rilinger, Executive Director of MOCSA

Upcoming Related Community Event

2007-08-17T15:23:00.000-05:00

Man Up! is proud to announce the following upcoming related community event:

* UMKC's AALo (African-American/Latino) Empowerment Summit on Friday and Saturday October 5th and 6th at UMKC Pierson Auditorium. Attendance at the Summit will be FREE for all participants. Michael Eric Dyson and Joe Hernandez-Kolski will be keynote speakers and discussing issues that are relevant to African-American and Latino male populations. For more information and to register please call 816-235-6060.

How I got here…

2007-07-13T15:15:00.000-05:00

The question usually comes pretty quick…. “So - Matt, how did YOU get involved with MOCSA (Metropolitan Organization to Counter Sexual Assault)?” The “YOU” part is typically emphasized because candidly, I just don’t look the part. First, I think I get the question because…well, I guess because I’m a man. Secondly, I probably get it because I look more like the dude you’d find riding a Harley without a helmet than a board representative of a non-profit that deals with sexual assault. I understand why I get it and the puzzled looks. But, the question usually invokes a blend of emotions that draws my gaze downward…

One emotion is sadness. I’m involved in MOCSA because my brother sexually molested some people very near and dear to me. It makes me sad to think about that – the how, the why, and what’s happened to his victims and their families, and my own family since his crimes. When it surfaced, I remember someone telling me that an “earthquake” was about to take place for me personally. And it did. I certainly can identify with the MOCSA logo where the first M is shaking like mad but the A is solid. I was very much an “M” when I first got involved with MOCSA. I’m an “A” now.

The second is shame – I’m ashamed because it took a terrible event like that for me to get involved in the first place. I’m ashamed because I never really understood how prevalent the issue of sexual assault is. How, many times, rape and/or sexual assault are just “swept under the rug”, not talked about, pushed down into the furthest recesses of a victim’s mind, etc. I’m also ashamed because I know I’ve taken part in some activities that are degrading to women and objectify them sexually. But - I know better now.

Almost every day, the media reminds us of another sexual assault that takes place or potentially might have taken place. Just recently a story broke about a Texas Assistant District Attorney who took his own life when he’d been exposed by Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator” series for approaching a minor for sex over the internet. The stories swirl from one headline to another – mostly focusing on such things as the “appropriateness” of such a show… there’s SO much missing.

Missed is the fact that 1 in 3 females and 1 in 7 males will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Missed is the fact that the overwhelming majority of sexual assaults are never reported – only about 16% are. Missed is the fact that false reporting of sexual assault is an extreme oddity even though the media jumps on each incidence with a vengeance (think Duke Lacrosse). Missed is the fact that most sexual assaults are not committed by strangers lurking behind bushes but by someone you’d invite to a family dinner – 80% of the time. Missed is the fact that 97% of the time sexual assaults are committed by MEN!

Now all of the above stats really bother me but that last one….ugh!

I wonder if we, as a society, would let any other groups of people get a pass if they committed such a horrendous act 97 times out of a 100? I really don’t think we would. We’d be putting together case study after case study if women committed a particular crime 97% of the time.

So …where’s the outrage with men taking advantage of women and other men sexually? Why aren’t we fuming mad because instead of finding “boogey men” doing these crimes, we keep seeing that, time and time again, it’s the “average Joe’s”. The vast majority of perpetrators are right out of the fabric of our general society - fathers, brothers, cousins, uncles, attorneys, doctors, clergy, salesmen, coaches, “respected members of the community”.

The dominant male culture is simply off-kilter when it comes to this pervasive issue of sexual assault - and you know why? Because in my opinion, we as men, don’t want to really take a look at the other males we consider our brethren, the men that we would break bread with, and have an open, honest, and sometimes challenging dialog about sex, what consensual sex really is, and our attitudes towards women. More times than not, an all-male discussion involving sex will include two parts that easily can be portrayed as “the chase” and “the conquering”…sprinkled with as much bravado as possible. I know because I’ve proactively started these discussions and participated in them myself. But - I know better now.

Just today I perused Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator” weblog and you know what people have posted time and time again asking Investigative Reporter/Host Chris Hansen? They post asking why he won’t go after “female predators” too. Like there’s an equally distributed population of male and female sexual assault predators out there. People also post to the website wanting to have Chris and his Dateline NBC show come to their cities to weed out all the “sickos”. Like somehow, there are just a few bad eggs that need be plucked from the basket and all will be well again.

And so - the last emotion I feel when someone asks me why I’m involved with MOCSA is anger. In fact – I’m SUPER-FANTASTICALLY-INCREDIBLY pissed!

I’m pissed because for every sexually assaulted woman there are FIVE more who’ve never reported a thing (only 16% ever report)! I’m pissed because these victims of sexual assault are women who I KNOW and care about very much (1 in 3!). I’m pissed because most of these personally-known victims only told me AFTER they thought I might actually understand what it’s like to be dominated by another human being. I’m pissed because for every falsely accused Duke Lacrosse member, there are 97 real rapists! I’m pissed because many of these perpetrators, who would devastate others lives, walk amongst us right now as “respected members of the community”. I’m pissed because we only see the tip of the tip of the very tip top of the iceberg with shows like “To Catch a Predator”. I’m pissed because many times we just don’t want to think about what to do to really rehabilitate these perpetrators beyond just locking them up and throwing away the key (because, guess what, they will be walking among our loved ones again in the future). I’m pissed at how we’re raising our boys to grow into “real men” with super-sized masculine overtones that objectify women and sex! I’m pissed because there are some really bad dudes out there – and they’re giving a mostly-good dude like me a bad name.

The sadness comes and goes, the shame is something I’m over, but the anger… it just keeps growing. Because- I know better now.

- Matt Sharples

MENtors "Punch Out" Violence

2007-06-19T12:28:00.001-05:00

When I think about the messages about manhood today, I find it hard to characterize any of these models presented in music, movies, sports, TV, magazines, and video games as healthy, limitless, projections of manhood. Not that I grew up with anyone better to idolize, as one of my heroes growing up was none other than Mike Tyson. I can’t even begin to calculate the countless hours my friends and I spent playing "Mike Tyson's Punch Out" because he was the toughest person around. Who knew he would bite an opponent boxer's ear off or that his violent personality would spill over to his personal life as he would abuse his wife and that he would be sexually violent toward other women in his life.

I read recently that youth are spending 20 hours on average a week watching TV and, also, that on average today’s youth view over 200,000 violent acts on TV alone by age 18 (tvturnoff.org). News coverage contributes to more and more of this as it is not just violent TV programming any more. And for that matter, we all know that it’s not just TV that is promoting these violent images. These images are much more prevalent in male culture through readily available access to a variety of technology. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to persuade anyone that media is bad. However, I am suggesting that there are not enough alternatives in media for all these over-stereotyped, celebrated images of the "real man". I just think that there needs to be more people intentionally investing in youth by modeling and embracing a broader range of masculinity to what is constantly played out in many forms in our media today.

On the other hand, I do not want to let media off the hook because it is not as if media is accidentally putting this stuff out there. It is obviously driven by consumerism and they could care less about the side effects. But that’s the scary thing; there are many studies that show a correlation between images viewed by youth and the attitudes or behaviors they display. It is disturbing, specifically, when these images they view normalize disrespect and violence regarding sex and women.

When I reflect and consider where I have been personally and why I find myself pursuing this work in presenting a healthier and safer vision of manhood, I can not help but recognize those men in my life that provided alternative attitudes and behaviors to the ones that dominated my environment. These MENtors taught me that real men could be strong and still respect others. Also, these MENtors instilled in me that violence was never a viable means to a rewarding end but that real men can express a full range of feelings, not just anger, and could empathize with the feelings of others even in midst of conflict. I take a stand in Man Up! with the expectation that there is this opportunity to provide healthier alternative male role models and the hope to reduce men’s violence against women and other men.
~David Belt

Man Up! Chair's Perspective

2007-05-18T14:01:00.000-05:00

Astonishingly, men perpetrate over 97% of all sexual assaults yet rape prevention is considered a woman’s issue. And historically rape prevention has focused on female behavior and how to “not be a victim” and failed to address the responsibility men have in preventing sexual violence. So, we as members of Man Up! are looking to promote greater awareness, to stop passively supporting the culture of rape and/or non-consensual sex, and to promote respect for women and consensual sex only.

There is no debate that the violent rapist should be held accountable for his actions. But what about the guy who ignores the first “no”, who “steals that extra base”, disregards a woman not responding or “freezing up”, or “takes advantage” of a woman who is incapable of giving consent due to alcohol or drug consumption?

As bystanders, most men seem to fall all along a continuum which begins at actively intervening to stop a sexual assault and ends at tacitly condoning by winking if they know their friend may score with a girl who, for example, has had too much to drink. But the question arises, what attitude should men have toward sex with women? How do men know when consent is given? What is the acceptable behavior of a man who knows his buddy intends to push a woman toward inebriation so that she will be more likely to “agree” to sex, or be less resistant?

At MOCSA, we have started the Man Up! Program for men who intend to continue this dialogue and that are actively taking personal and corporate responsibility for promoting a greater awareness of preventing sexual violence. This Blog is intended to help us advance this goal and we invite men and women to join us in this discussion. Our ultimate aim is for men to be more aware of the expressions, behaviors, and attitudes that endorse or facilitate sexual violence, to clearly define consensual sex, to seek support for men to stop rape, and to stop sex with another who is not capable of consenting. Mothers have spoken out to stop drunk driving. It’s time for men to speak up and stop rape. Man Up!
-Ken Mellard

Welcome to the Man Up Blog

2007-05-11T15:22:00.000-05:00

Welcome! The Metropolitan Organization to Counter Sexual Assault brings you Man Up! It's our effort to bring stories of how men are stepping up to end sexual violence.

Please visit often for stories about how you can make a difference.